


The Nightmare

by melianthegreat



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Comfort, Drama, M/M, Rape Aftermath, Romance, Sexual Content, Torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 15:37:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 25,427
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14855504
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/melianthegreat/pseuds/melianthegreat
Summary: Post Year that Never Was, Jack has a breakdown following the Master's torture. It's up to the Doctor and Martha to save him





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is a dark story. The time between the Master's death and his return to Torchwood is not mentioned, but in TW's second season Jack has a line: "I had some trouble with a politician...I don't listen to Whitehall anymore." This is my version of that moment.
> 
> I will be posting a little at a time over the next several weeks. I 'm not good at proofreading and have no beta, so if There are typos, oops.
> 
> There are references to rape, torture,and psychological trauma in this. If you're triggered by such events this may not be for you.

The nightmare was over. Lucy Saxon had been taken into custody. Martha Jones' family was now safe. Martha was a heroine of the human race (though few would ever realize). The world has gone back to the way things were before the Master's reign of terror. And the Master was dead. His tormentor. Jack had endured so much every day for the past year, so much at the hands of this being. He had died at least once a day, sometimes more, and Jack remembered it all. It was one of those "gifts". The Boekind, a superior offshoot of humans, had evolved amazing memories even into very advanced old age. It was one of the qualities the Time Agency sought out in recruitment. Jack, at his young age, had developed a memory nobody among the Boekind had ever encountered before. Then, whatever Rose had done to him at the Game Station had enhanced it; leading Torchwood, he'd been able to read entire dossiers on anything with perfect retention (take that, Ianto Jones and his eidetic memory). But the flipside of the "gift" had been that sometimes things you want to forget...you just can't. It was all going to stay with him, every horrible thing, every horrible day. 

The Doctor had returned, having held a private sendoff for the Master. Martha didn't really understand his compassion and forgiveness for such a monster, having seen with her own eyes the devastation he'd inflicted, the knowledge of how her family had been treated, even guessing some of what Jack had gone through. But she took one look at the Doctor's face, at his realization he was indeed the last of his kind again, and bit her tongue.

Unnoticed at the Doctor's return was Jack. While the Jones family surrounded him with questions about Martha, and Martha and the Doctor tried their best to help them understand, Jack sat off to the side quietly. They had dinner with food they had not been allowed to eat for a year, but Jack hardly touched it. When Martha told her story of her walking the earth for the past year, Jack listened without any comment. His head was full of memories of pain and suffering and anguish and death. 

Jack slipped away to the TARDIS. The control room was a mess, just the way he was feeling inside. He just wanted sleep. He wanted to turn off his mind and drift, wanted to have no memory, just forgetfulness and peace.

~#~

"Martha?" She felt a gentle shake.

"Mmmmmm?" She opened her eyes to Francine's motherly gaze.

"Just like you always were," Francine replied softly. "Always wanted to stay awake to not miss anything, then her head dropping."

"A proper bed would be nice," Martha yawned. "I haven't had that in awhile."

"I believe your room on the TARDIS is intact," the Doctor offered. "The Master was only interested in the control room." 

"That sounds like a good idea, " she answered, yawning and stretching. She looked around. "Wait, where's Jack?"

Everyone looked around and then stared at everyone else, confused. Worry crept into the Doctor's consciousness--Jack was never the type to simply wander off alone, there was always someone with him, or at least others would know where he was going to be. Instinctively he reached out to the TARDIS. She told him Jack was there and at first he was relieved, believing Jack had found a proper bed for himself, like Martha wanted. But as the minutes passed something about this idea made less and less sense. Granted nothing had really made sense for quite awhile, but none of this seemed like Jack. 

"I'm going to check the TARDIS about your room," he said to Martha.

"But what about Jack?" she asked .

The Doctor gave her a reassuring smile. "Oh, he's there," he answered. "Jack wanted a proper shower. Be back soon." Martha watched him leave, not buying the Doctor's explanation but not wanting to worry her family any further. And the Doctor would have to make a few repairs on the TARDIS before she would fly.

~#~

The closer the Doctor got to the TARDIS the more she hummed at him in worry. Something was wrong with Jack. Yes, she hadn't been happy, had flung herself to the end of human existence to get rid of him. But she didn't want anything to happen to Jack, not really. It was already bad enough he was a fixed point in the universe, partially at her doing. She didn't want a further disaster.

The Doctor opened the TARDIS door carefully and found Jack sitting in the chair by the console. He was just...sitting. No humming under his breath, no instant recognition in his blue eyes. He was staring straight ahead. "Jack?" the Doctor greeted him cautiously.

It took Jack a second or two to recognize that the Doctor was speaking. "Doctor," he answered back, a strange tone in his voice. He appeared slightly disconnected from reality.

"Jack, you just slipped away from us at the table," the Doctor told him. "Are you alright?"

"I'm always alright, Doc, you know that," Jack answered, giving a   
parody of a smile. It was a smile he gave when he simply wanted to present a false front, but most didn't understand that. The Doctor did, however, having seen it in his previous regeneration in the very beginning, when Jack was still unsure how close he wanted anyone to get to him. It had taken some time until the Doctor and Rose could work their way below the veneer Jack had so carefully built. 

Something in the back of the Doctor's mind was telling him Jack was not alright, not right now. He was ever so slightly off. Honestly he couldn't tell how long Jack really had been like this: the Doctor had needed most of his concentration to fully integrate into the psychic matrix of the Archangel Network, and he and Jack had mostly been separated in the past year (except for a couple of horrible moments the Doctor didn't really want to relive at the moment). And then when Lucy shot the Master he had to take care of matters there. But now his full concentration was on his immortal friend, and the TARDIS was practically screaming in his head to do something, help him, before something bad happens. "Jack," the Doctor told him gently, "why don't you come with me? We'll say goodnight to everyone, and then we'll get a nice, hot shower, and then you and me and Martha can get some real sleep? That will help, won't it?"

Jack stared at the Doctor, the light in his eyes sad, walking in memories, and for the first time the Doctor could see fear, almost panic, something he never saw in his Captain. "He's everywhere out there," Jack whispered. "I smell him. I taste him. I can feel his touch all over me. You say he's dead, but he's not. He's still there and he's inside me. I can scrub and scrub, but he'll always be on me and in me." And then his eyes filled with tears, an act more heartbreaking to the Doctor than the moment he worked out the Toclafane. 

"Oh, Jack, my dear Jack," the Doctor whispered in shock. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never realized..." He walked over to Jack to embrace him, slapping down that irritation under his skin he felt over embracing the fixed point. 

Jack recoiled. "Don't touch me!" he snapped. He retreated in fear and repulsion. "I'm his, I'll always be his! I'm a FREAK, I'm dirty, I'm WRONG!! I'll always be wrong, you know that!" 

Tears welled in the Doctor's own eyes, the realization the Master had turned his own words into torment hitting him hard. With all his hearts could contain he wanted to hold Jack close, he wanted to tell him it didn't matter what the Master had done to him, he was accepted and loved, that everything would be okay. 

Instead, he suddenly found himself on the floor of the TARDIS after Jack had launched himself at him, a crazed light in his eyes. "STAY AWAY FROM ME!!" he heard Jack screaming at him. "YOU'RE JUST LIKE HIM!! YOU CAN'T HAVE ME!!" And, shockingly, Jack was choking him. The Doctor was strong, but Jack had caught him off guard, had put him in a position where he couldn't easily break the hold. He knew Jack could easily kill him. 

Then, suddenly, Jack cried out in surprised pain: Martha had arrived unnoticed. Jack released the Doctor and took a swipe at her, which she sidestepped. "Martha, careful," the Doctor tried to warn her, but he coughed and gasped instead, trying to regain his breath; he briefly caught the flash of a syringe in her hand. Jack crawled off the Doctor and tried to reach for Martha again, but now what she had injected into him had begun to work. He slumped to the floor and stayed there.

"Doctor, are you alright?" Martha asked as she helped the Doctor to his feet. The Doctor nodded, still finding it difficult to speak. "What the hell happened?"

"I think he's had some kind of breakdown," the Doctor panted. "What did you do?"

"Sedative," Martha answered. "I think I gave him enough to put out everyone on board the em>Valiant."

The Doctor nodded. "Thank you," he replied. He lifted Jack into his arms. "We have to get him to the MediBay and help him."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor has an idea, but not everyone is on board with it.

"Doctor, I wish you would reconsider putting Jack in restraints," Martha tutted. "He did attack you."

The Doctor sat by Jack's bedside, studying his sleeping form. "He was restrained and tortured, Martha," he said softly, reaching over to brush a strand of hair from his face. "I won't have him wake up restrained. He'll think he's back to where he was before." He closed his eyes and shuddered. Martha had not been there, Rassilon be praised; she had her own horrors to face. But he had been there, not necessarily in the room, but within earshot as Jack's agonized screams echoed through the Valiant, while Francine, Clive, and Tish had to smile and pretend not to hear, knowing at any moment the same could happen to them. Worse were the evenings the Doctor would witness several guards, sometimes as many as 10, leave the control room, heading in Jack's direction. And as they whooped and yelled in celebration, underneath he could hear a slight whimper from Jack, a muffled cry, or worse, a long moan. The Doctor didn't have to see what was happening to be horrified; his imagination was more than enough. 

"If he has had a breakdown," Martha ventured , "what can be done to help him? A regular psychiatric hospital wouldn't work--they'd hear Jack's stories and lock him away forever."

"And Torchwood couldn't," the Doctor argued. "Even if Jack rebuilt it after Canary Wharf, I doubt the Cardiff team has the expertise to handle this kind of trauma. And the other divisions might revert to the old protocols on dealing with a leader who's had a breakdown." And this time Martha shuddered; what the Doctor described as standard practice at Torchwood pre-Canary Wharf, Jack could face worse than what the Master inflicted. Especially if someone put two and two together and discovered Jack's abilities.

"So, if a facility on Earth can't do this, are there places in other galaxies?"

the Doctor glanced at her sternly. "That is not an option," he answered. "To answer your question, yes, there are several. But I am not sending him there. It's bad enough that I ran away from him at the Game Station, and the TARDIS tried to shake him off so we ended up finding the Master. To send him away now would be to abandon him again, and he has suffered enough." 

"Doctor, normally I would admire you for your compassion, but not this time," Martha replied. "You are not trained to deal with extreme psychological trauma, neither am I. Jack could be dangerous --he already tried to strangle you! And if we mess this up we could make things worse. Can you live with that if it happens? "

The Doctor turned back to Martha and she could see the immense sadness in his eyes. "I have to try," he said. "Nobody on Earth can help. Nobody on Earth outside of us knows what happened. As a Time Lord I have certain powers that can help him, if he'll let me. And Jack means so much more to me than you can imagine or that I can explain. If I'm going to do this with anyone, it's him. Whether you help or not is entirely up to you, but I hope you will."

Martha stepped out of the room and thought a moment. If the Doctor trusted Jack enough to not try to hurt him again, and the Doctor knew of a way to help Jack, so be it. She knew she was going to have enough on her hands trying to help her family through what they experienced, and apparently it was a fraction of what Jack had gone through. Reentering the MediBay she stared the Doctor straight in the eyes. "As long as you're safe," she announced resolutely. "But if he attempts to hurt you again, it's done. And I will defend myself, if necessary."

"Understood," the Doctor nodded, and he and Martha sat and waited for the sedative to wear off.

~#~

He came back slowly, almost reluctantly, the first time in seemingly forever he'd slept. It wasn't like he slept well or for long before, but at least he wasn't being awakened to find his reality was worse than his nightmares. Jack didn't know what he was waking up to this time, but he was waking up regardless.

The first thing he noticed were the soft lights, and the room smelled clinical. He realized he was lying on something soft and comfortable. And that his hands were not bound. There was some relief in that, as there were any number of times he woke up restrained. 

Just before opening his eyes, though, Jack's Boekind memory kicked in, and he remembered everything that happened to him. 

He found himself lying on a bed in the MediBay on the TARDIS. At least nothing bad would happen to him here. But who would want to be near him? No decent being, surely. They would know what was done. They would see what the Master saw, the reality of his existence. He was a Freak, an impossible thing. He was now a ruined and twisted form of life, anyone around him would be corrupted by his presence. Everyone would see it.

"Good morning," came the sweet voice of Martha Jones. She entered the room in full doctor kit: white coat, stethoscope, clipboard, hair pulled back. She looked _normal_. "Glad you're finally awake," she said professionally, writing a few notes as she observed the TARDIS' monitors. "I had to sedate you last night. Things were out of control." Normally Jack would take the opportunity to make a flirty, funny comment at that point, but this time he was silent. "You need to eat some food," she announced. "Because Tish tells me you've been fed mush, we should start you small and work up, until your stomach adjusts." She began to leave.

"Where is your family?" Jack asked softly. Martha turned to face him. "Where is your family?" he repeated.

"They have gone off to UNIT headquarters, for debriefing," Martha answered. "They're aware of what happened, now they want perspective."

"Have they spoken to you? What you saw is different."

"I told them the Doctor and I have a patient," she told him. "My debriefing has been put on hold."

Jack looked at her sadly. "You should be with your family, not with me. You can help them."

"Only so much," she acknowledged. "Right now I think I can help you more."

"You shouldn't want to be around me," Jack said. "Just let me go."

"No," came a voice. The Doctor was standing in the doorway looking at Jack quite seriously. 

Jack dropped his head, unable to look at him. "I attacked you," he said. "I actually attacked you. I'm surprised the TARDIS didn't make mincemeat of me for it."

"Had you truly meant to harm me last night, and had she been in full operation, I think she would have," the Doctor offered. "As such, I think she understands you weren't in your right mind."

"I'm still not in my right mind," Jack replied, his voice sad. "I don't think I ever will be _Things_ happened to me, Doc," here his voice broke, "and I just..." He shut his eyes and shuddered. 

"I think I can help you," the Doctor told Jack. "It will take time and require that you trust me. You'll have to drop your psychic defenses."

"Psychic defenses?" Martha asked. "You have psychic abilities, Jack?"

"All humans do," the Doctor answered. "It's how the Master took over and made everyone think he was Harold Saxon, and how I defeated him. As humans expanded into the galaxies their abilities evolved. "

"Time Agents ran the risk of encountering beings who could attack them via mind control," Jack explained. "Enter our minds and force us to kill others or ourselves. So we were trained on how to repel them."

"All humans have some instinctual protection," the Doctor added. "Time Agents were recruited for their abilities --psychic and otherwise. I assume when you rebuilt Torchwood, you found members in a similar fashion."

Jack nodded. "We have a couple with empathy, one with eidetic memory, one with almost instinctual understanding of engineering and technology...all of them had previous encounters with alien life. I've tried to train them to protect themselves."

"Lowering psychic defenses requires a level of intimate trust most humans never achieve," the Doctor said. "Because no matter how much you love someone, there is that tiny bit of yourselves you hold back, just in case they end up betraying you. And if the psychic defenses are too strong and attacked by force, that person can be destroyed. There are plenty of patients in mental wards who are persistently catatonic and never come out of it."

"But if Jack lowers his psychic defenses, how are you going to help him? " Martha asked.

"By encountering his memories and showing him how to accept them. What you are here to do, Martha, is to help me. Keep me safe. Walking in another person's memories can be draining for a Time Lord. It can be easy to lose track of time and forget to rest, or eat. And both of us will need that. Plus, if Jack tries to attack me again, you need to be ready with sedative before the TARDIS can get to him. I've managed some repairs." He stared directly at Jack, making sure he understood the implications of the next sentence. "Her defenses are operational."

Jack looked at the Doctor for a long moment, considering him. He took a deep breath. "No," he said.

Martha's jaw dropped. "What?"

"No," he repeated. "Because there is a risk. Encountering my memories can subject him to the same trauma. And for what? So he can see once and for all how tainted I really am? That maybe I deserved what happened? You experienced your own pain, and you want to add my own to it? I think the universe has had enough of unhinged Time Lords, thank you very much."

"Jack, this is the way I know to help," the Doctor argued. "You are not yourself, and I got you into this. The Master hurt you because of me. What else would you have me do?"

Jack sighed and tears filled his eyes. "Leave me here, let me get on with life, " he said. "Better yet, find an uninhabited planet and leave me there. Then nobody will be subjected to me and who I am."

"I won't do that, Jack," the Doctor said firmly. "What happened to you, it isn't who you are. Marooning you on some remote planet is punishing you for what the Master did."

"You marooned me on the Game Station because of what Rose did to me, I don't see the bloody difference," Jack snapped at him; the Doctor shut his eyes and held his temper, realizing Jack had over a century of anger and recrimination to get out of his system.

"The difference is Rose did what she did out of love for you," the Doctor replied, his voice strained. "That, and she'd taken all that energy into herself. As for my part, I was dying. I wasn't thinking straight. My regeneration went wrong and nearly failed."

"Then you were revolted by me," Jack glowered at him. "A Freak. You should be revolted by me now. I was the Master's plaything, nothing more! That is all I will ever be. And if you left me as I am, what am I going to do? Kill myself? You pretty much stopped that from happening, too, you know! " He set his jaw. "So--no, no, no, absolutely no!"

The Doctor had run out of patience, and he didn't want to be angry at Jack. He left the MediBay, Martha following behind. 

~#~

The Doctor was silent until he reached the control room. Then he screamed in anger and frustration. "RASSILON DAMN HIM!!" he shouted. "Among humans and their offshoots, Jack Harkness can be the most exasperating of the lot!" He took a moment to gather himself, staring off into space and saying nothing more.

"Is there a risk?" Martha asked. The Doctor glanced at her. "Doctor, is there a risk to you if you do this?" Reluctantly he nodded. "Why didn't you tell me before I agreed to this?"

"Because the risk is small," he explained. "Jack is looking for reasons to refuse."

"But _small_ is not _nonexistent_ ," Martha stated, angry. "You've not told me what happened to you this past year, but Jack knows. And we know you've suffered some damage from the Time War, like any soldier would. How could you even think of risking your own sanity? I got to see what Time Lord insanity can be, and I think Jack may be right to refuse. He loves you, he wouldn't want you to damage yourself."

The Doctor couldn't make his voice work. He knew Martha was scared of the potential, she was only angry at him from this fear. He couldn't really tell her what he knew deep down, that he loved Jack perhaps as much as Jack loved him. His body betrayed him, however. "I have no choice," he pleaded, his voice breaking. "I can't leave him broken like this, I just can't. I can't force him, either, his defenses are strong and I'd have to break him so irretrievably he'd be lost forever. I can't do that to him."

One of the skills Martha had as an intern, and honed in her year walking the Earth, was reading people. Even when saying nothing, a good doctor could see signs of illness or pain in a patient, sometimes even if a patient was trying to mislead them. The Doctor had always been a tough read, making his face a mask. This time the mask was down, and Martha could see things quite clearly. "I'll talk to him, Doctor," she whispered and headed back to the MediBay.

Martha found Jack turned to the side, his face to the wall. "Please go away, Martha," he sighed wetly, a sure sign he had been crying. 

"Jack, the Doctor wants to help you," she told him, her voice gentle. "This is what he can do. Why won't you allow him?"

"You and I both know he's risking himself too much for me," he answered, still not looking at her. "I love him. I can't let him do it. If he lost himself because of me, I couldn't live with myself, and I can't not live with it." 

"Or maybe it's something else," Martha offered. "What are you really afraid of?"

Martha's question caused Jack to turn over and face her; his eyes were red, confirming her suspicions that Jack had been crying. "What?"

"You heard me."

There was silence between them for a few minutes. "Do you know what he had to overlook in order to keep me in the first place?" Jack asked, his voice barely above a whisper. "I wasn't a good man. I did things to survive, because it was my job, because I enjoyed it at times. I didn't give a damn if others didn't like it if it got me what I wanted. And he accepted me anyway. If he were to see the memories of what happened with the Master, whose to say he won't see me as the Master did? I'm not a Time Lord. I don't even think I'm human anymore now that I'm immortal, and the Master took away anything left that made me human. The Doctor will see that again and reject me once and for all. I don't know what would be worse, losing the Doctor, or him losing me."

Martha pulled up a chair and sat next to the bed, taking Jack's hand into hers. "But that's what he does," Martha stated with a reassuring smile. "I was hardly a prize myself. I had a highly dysfunctional family. I went with the Doctor to partially escape them. I was so unsure of myself I even allowed the Doctor to make me a rebound from Rose as a companion at first. But along the way I started to feel better about myself. I demanded better from him. And then he sent me out into the world for the past year, and eventually I understood why: because he knew how strong I really was, that I could survive and do what was needed. The Doctor risked himself to help me. That's what he wants to do now. And he won't turn away from you. It will only make him want to help you more. He could force this, but it would mean losing you, which would hurt him more than you could imagine. Please let him try."

While Martha spoke with Jack, the Doctor sat in the control room and thought. What he wanted to do to help Jack was a risk, but it was definitely worth the risk. The only other choice would be to watch Jack destroy himself; he loved Jack too much to sit back and watch it happen. He'd loved him across a lifetime, before the regeneration. While regeneration sometimes had him remembering companions without necessarily remembering the emotional attachment, with Jack, as he had with Rose, his love had actually strengthened. He'd already lost Rose to a parallel universe, he'd be damned if he lost Jack to the parallel universe of a lost mind, especially if there was something he could do about it.

Martha walked back into the control room. "Jack will let you try," she announced.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The work begins

The first thing required was food, lots of food; the procedure would require a lot of fuel for the Doctor and Jack. Time Lords needed foods rich in potassium to remain functional, and Jack's cells being infused with the TARDIS' energy, he was almost constantly hungry; there had been joking within Torchwood Cardiff about Jack's capacity to eat without gaining weight, wondering if he spent those sleepless nights working out in a gym, or if maybe he worked off all that weight with other, pleasurable, activities. The Jones family was willing to help, having become close to Jack in their captivity. And, because these events never happened to the rest of the world, Jack's expense account wasn't affected. He bought quite a few pizzas for Martha, the Doctor, and himself, then charged it to Torchwood.

Martha made her farewells to her family, explaining she would probably be back before they even realized she'd left. She joined the Doctor and Jack in the TARDIS. Where they were heading nobody was certain, trusting the TARDIS to find an uninhabited planet or small moon to orbit. They settled down for a meal, but within minutes it was clear nobody really wanted to eat. Instead, they discussed what each of them would do in the morning. Each of them struggled privately with their insecurities. Martha questioned if she had the will to call a halt to things if it became too dangerous to the Doctor; Jack questioned whether the Doctor would really not reject him again when he knew everything; the Doctor questioned whether this would work, or whether he was looking upon the Jack Harkness he loved for the last time, or if he'd be forced to put him away, as he truly could not put him out of his misery.

They turned in to their separate rooms and tried to sleep, but all three were plagued by nightmares from their experiences and woke up quickly. Each separately asked the TARDIS to help them find a way to sleep. The TARDIS opened the nightstand drawers to reveal sleeping pills, each dose customized to weight, metabolism, and whether human or Time Lord.

The next morning, they stumbled into the kitchen for breakfast at the same time, still dressed for sleep. Strong coffee and tea was first on the agenda, followed by food, and the Doctor ate a banana. "We need to eat a large breakfast," the Doctor said to Jack. "This could take awhile and will take lots of energy." He turned to Martha. "There will be periods of silence, where we may appear to be doing very little," he said to her. "There may be times when Jack might scream, or cry out, even appear to be talking in his sleep. It's perfectly normal. If something goes wrong and I need your help, I'll break contact with Jack and tell you. Make sure you have the sedative ready. I don't want the TARDIS reacting before you." Martha nodded.

"Where should we do this?" Jack asked .

"I'm thinking the MediBay," the Doctor answered. "The TARDIS will set everything up to be comfortable for us but have medical facilities." He sat back and looked fondly upon his friends. "If either one of you have reservations and want to back out of this, now would be the time. No retaliation, no recriminations, no resentment." He said this gently, knowing he couldn't force them into the situation. Both nodded in agreement. "Okay," he acknowledged, standing. "We should get started. _Allons-y_."

~#~

The TARDIS had indeed made the MediBay as comfortable as possible for Jack and the Doctor. There was a large bed just like Jack's with hospital bed rails that could be adjusted like a hospital bed (the Doctor noted with some annoyance the bed could fit two). A wardrobe contained clothing for all three, and there was soft lighting to promote positive vibes. 

Jack and Martha stared at one another while the Doctor was making final preparations. This might be the last time they saw one another like this and wanted to memorize it. "You're going to be fine, Jack," Martha said, trying to reassure herself as much as him. "I trust the Doctor."

"Martha, if something goes wrong and I'm not myself anymore, there's something you should know," Jack announced.

"Yes?"

The grin on Jack's face was faint. "You have the voice of a nightingale, at least to me," he told her.

Given her brown skin, Jack was surprised to notice her blush slightly. "You're just saying that to flirt with me," she smiled.

"Maybe," Jack answered. "But that doesn't make it untrue."

Martha stepped over to the Doctor, a few feet away. "You be careful, Doctor," she told him. "I was just reunited with you, I don't want to lose you."

The Doctor gave her a warm hug. "Keep me safe, Martha Jones," he said in reply. "You've done it before." Releasing the hug he glanced over to Jack. What worried him was that he would do this and it wouldn't work, that somehow he'd fail Jack again. Jack could have heard the TARDIS engines and stayed away, but came running instead. Could have left once he found out the Doctor couldn't help him, but he stuck around and endured suffering by the Master. And yet he was here now, trusting him again. He didn't want to fall. "Blimey," he sighed, nervously running his palms on his pants. He sat on the bed next to Jack and placed his fingers along Jack's temples.

He found Jack in a bar he invented. As usual, Jack was wearing dark pants, blue shirt over white t-shirt, and his RAF longcoat. "Do you have a safe word, Jack?" the Doctor asked.

Jack smiled lecherously. "You are so kinky!" Jack replied. "What do you know about safe words?"

The Doctor rolled his eyes. "Stop it," he grumbled . "Safe words are used during this procedure. If one of these memories becomes too much for you, if you need to escape, say your safe word and we'll return here. Now, what is your safe word?"

"You're no fun, " Jack pouted. "And it's 'elephant'."

"'Elephant,'" the Doctor mused.

"It's a word that wouldn't logically come up in this kind of conversation," Jack replied. "I've used safe words for a long time."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" The Doctor sighed. "Let's start from the beginning. The morning on the Valiant when The Master took over." He took Jack's hand as light and color and sound swirled around them...

The first thing the Doctor could feel was pain, searing pain in his chest. Jack felt it too and his knees buckled. The Doctor held onto Jack as they tried to prop each other up. "The laser screwdriver," Jack gasped. "He shot me."

The Doctor saw the image in front of him. He'd tried to sneak up on the Master and place the key with the Perception Filter around his neck, so his disguise would be revealed. He had been caught and was being held by guards. Jack had charged blindly, knowing the Doctor was in trouble, wanting to save him, wanting to place his own key around that bastard's neck and complete the plan. The Master had pulled out his version of the Doctor's sonic screwdriver and gleefully shot Jack. Even though the Doctor knew of Jack's immortality, it still hurt him to watch Jack die. 

But now there was a bigger issue. He placed a hand on Jack's chest, could feel the heartbeat thundering violently. Jack was in real physical distress, and could actually die if he didn't act fast. If Jack died in this internal state, connected to the Doctor, Jack could die for real, taking the Doctor with him. The Doctor had seen Time Lords die this way--actual death without regeneration. Which was why he had Martha supervising. "Jack, listen to me," the Doctor told him. "These are images only. You are not to feel physical pain. You can see them, feel the emotions you felt, but physical pain does not exist. Do you understand?"

Jack was gasping for breath, but he nodded. The Doctor could feel Jack's heartbeat return to normal. "It was horrendous, one of the worst," he muttered, slowly standing. "I felt the laser hit me, felt like my chest was on fire. Then I could feel my heart stop and it went black." Damn, that Boekind memory, the Doctor said to himself; combined with the TARDIS' energy, of course he'd remember dying, that was part of the problem.

The Doctor took a deep breath. "Now, Jack, as each memory leaves, I want you to imagine that each one is a picture on a wall, just like a museum. You can visit the museum anytime you want, but all you're seeing are pictures. They can make you feel things, but they cannot hurt you. Visit and move on." Jack nodded.

The next image the Doctor saw was of Jack waking up on the floor of the Valiant. While Jack had been reviving the Master had aged the Doctor by 100 years. Jack had given his Vortex Manipulator to Martha in order to escape. After she was given instructions by the Doctor and she had left, Jack stared at the Doctor helplessly, and the Doctor felt waves of sadness from him. "I failed you," Jack whispered. "You were always there to save the day with help from your companions, and this time you couldn't do that and it was all my fault." His breath hitched. "I should have been able to slip the key around his neck. But I didn't act fast enough, so I was taken out and I couldn't help you or Martha. And if I hadn't failed none of this would have happened."

"Jack, what do you think would have happened if you failed, but we avoided the whole situation anyway?" the Doctor asked.

Jack was quiet a moment. "You would have left me again," he said, his voice soft. "You would have told me that I failed, that I didn't measure up, and then you would have found a way to dump me and take off, just like I'd been dumped before." 

"Oh, Jack," the Doctor replied, squeezing the hand he still held. Jack had told the story before how the Time Agency had just used him up until he no longer served their purpose, then wiped out two years of his memories and simply told him he wasn't needed anymore. Everything he wanted, everyone he knew outside the Boeshane Peninsula, had been tied up with the Time Agency, and now they wanted nothing more to do with him. "I wouldn't have done that, not to you."

Jack huffed in derision. "You're going to say you haven't done the same?" he asked. The Doctor said nothing, because he knew he had. It wasn't quite the same, but Jack had always been a tool for others to use: a soldier to do the dirty work, a good time in the bar or in the bed. But once his purpose was served that was it, he was disgarded. And it was done without realizing he'd had abandonment issues since childhood. Except for the Time Agency, who clearly knew of it, which made what they did even more cruel. Could what happened at the Game Station be different, then, really?

~#~

There had been little for Martha to do while Jack and the Doctor were under. She checked the Doctor's readings occasionally, especially as there had been a couple of beeps that hardly lasted more than a couple of seconds, then resettled. Good thing she had discovered the Earth section of the TARDIS' library. There were numerous books on history, science, human anatomy, and what she was enjoying right now, literature. 

Martha was a quarter of the way through _Tale of Two Cities_ when she heard a rustling of the bedcovers. The Doctor was slowly opening his eyes and stirring. Martha was ready, handing the Doctor a banana, which he practically inhaled. "Are you alright?" she asked. "How do you feel?"

The Doctor stretched out his body as Jack began to stir. "We started," he answered, "but I am not used to all this. I'm exhausted. How long were we out?"

"Six hours," Martha announced. "Another hour and I would have awoken you to ask if you'd like to eat something." She noticed Jack standing and making his way toward the loo. "Jack, are you hungry?" she asked. He said nothing. 

The Doctor caressed her hand in reassurance. "This will be a side effect for awhile," he said. "Jack is sort of inside his head at the moment, taking in a lot of things. So he won't seem very communicative."

"How do you think he's doing?"

"Too early to tell," the Doctor shrugged. "We've only just started. The TARDIS will keep an eye on him in the beginning, make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. In the meantime I think we all need a meal."

Pizza and salad was on the menu tonight, but it was relatively quiet. Jack didn't say much and the Doctor was close to falling asleep at the kitchen table. After the third time Martha had to shake him awake, the Doctor announced he would make a quick check of the TARDIS before turning in. Which, to Martha's surprise, was exactly what the Doctor did. He took a shower and dressed in his pajamas and was asleep before his head settled on his pillow.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jack has a nightmare and relives the reason the Toclafane destroyed Japan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are triggers in this chapter. Be careful.

The screaming started three hours after Martha went to sleep. Jack had gone to bed not long after the Doctor, leading Martha to call an early night herself. She knew Jack had nightmares due to past events, but she figured the exhaustion of the two would lead to fairly deep sleep for them. 

When it started both Martha and the Doctor shot awake instantly. Both had closed their doors but it was loud enough to hear. It was Jack, and his screams were both bloodcurdling and heartbreaking. Jack never screamed, and he certainly never screamed like that. Both ran to Jack's room and found him sitting up in bed, rocking back and forth, screaming incoherently. 

"Jack, _Jack!!_ " the Doctor called to him, rushing to the bed and holding Jack at arm's length, shaking him. "Jack, you're having a nightmare -- _wake up!!_ " Jack came to his senses, saw the Doctor next to him and Martha standing there in shock, dressed in robes, then began trembling. "It's alright, Jack," the Doctor told him. "It was a dream, Jack. You're fine now."

"Not a dream, not a dream..." Jack said over and over, trying to catch his breath. "Not a dream, not a dream, not a dream..."

"It was a dream, Jack," the Doctor replied. "You're safe now. I'm here, Martha's here..." He placed his fingers on Jack's temples. "Find the bar we were at..."

instead of the bar, the Doctor landed squarely into the middle of Jack's horrific nightmare.

Jack was chained in the engine room of the _Valiant_ , a place he was held for that year. The Master stood by him. "Today your choice will determine the fate of others," he told Jack, his tone dark. "As the leader of Torchwood you're quite used to this power. The decisions you make can affect whether someone lives, someone dies, and whether these stunted little apes exist as a species. It must have made you feel like a God, having that much power."

Jack said nothing.

"Let's see how you make your choices, Jacky-boy," the Master sneered at him. Jack continued to stare defiantly back at him. Then came the struggle--someone--someone else was being brought in. The guards dragged in Tish and stood her just in front of Jack, then they released his arms. "You're a man from the future," the Master reminded him. "And during your time humans got past all their prudishness and rigidity regarding sexuality. You apes would just do it and do it again with anyone--male, female, groups. In your time they weren't even required to be of the same species. Now, I figure it's been awhile since you indulged in anyone of a female persuasion. So, here she is--Letitia Jones. Better known to those who know her as 'Tish'. She's the one who feeds you. So as a present, because I'm feeling magnanimous, you're going to take pretty little Tish's clothes off and have sex with her. Right now. In front of me."

The panic rose in Tish's dark eyes. "That's not the way it works, and not the way I do things," Jack replied, looking apologetically at her. "That's rape, not sex, and I won't do that."

"You will do that, Jack," the Master countered. "Today, this is the way it works and the way you do things."

Jack shook his head. "I will not commit rape," he said resolutely. "I will not destroy someone that way."

The Master nodded to a guard, who pushed Tish back a step and slammed the butt of his rifle into Jack's gut. Jack sank to his knees, gasping for breath. "You forget I know about your past, Jack," the Master replied. "Or is that your future? Hard for me to keep that straight. You have no problem destroying others. Time Agents engaged in a lot of unpleasant things, including--I might add--assassination. You killed people, Jacky-boy! Yet this act is beneath you? Please."

Jack, still on his knees, stared angrily up at the Master. "You bastard," he hissed.

"Such a mouth on you!" The Master laughed. "Glad to see our torture sessions haven't taken the fire out of you. You must have really pissed off the Time Agency to have them get rid of you." He waited, but all Jack did was stare at him. "I see you need a little incentive." Jack felt dread well up inside, wondering what the Master had in mind for an incentive. "We are currently approaching the airspace over Japan. My sources tell me your Torchwood associate Toshiko Sato and her family were deported back to Japan and currently work in one of the labor camps. Rumor also has it as the current location of one Martha Jones." Jack and Tish gasped at the news. "Either give me what I want, right now, or I will order the Toclafane to descend and lay waste to the entire country."

"No!" Tish screamed. "God, no! Please don't do that!!"

"Tish here understands the importance of this decision," the Master smiled cruelly. "It appears I've guaranteed her compliance. How about you, Jack? Your choice. Destroy one life or destroy millions."

Jack looked once again into Tish's eyes. He saw resignation there. She was still so young, not much younger than Martha, but they were babies in his old eyes. He couldn't possibly do this. Some say you can never rape a willing subject, but she was complying out of force, out of fear for the sister she loved. And he'd gotten to know Tish pretty well in their captivity and knew she had a deep streak of humanity within her; she would have trouble dealing with an entire nation being destroyed because of her, and the Master knew this. But Jack could not take away her dignity like this. Rape kills the soul, quite often of the victim or their family. He couldn't be responsible for the struggle this girl would face: the anger, the mistrust, the hardening of her heart. Tish may not have realized, but Jack knew this act would ruin the humanity of her and leave scars that she'd have to deal with forever.

But then he thought about Tosh, about her sheer brilliance that helped to hide a quiet, gentle spirit, who could show extraordinary bravery when the time called for it. And he thought of Martha, of what she may be forced to witness if she was there. Nobody could view a massacre and walk away unchanged, he knew from firsthand experience. So if he could do something to keep that from happening, even from a position of powerlessness and personal abhorrence, maybe he could justify things in himself. 

Jack took a deep breath. "You win," he said . "I'll comply."

The Master, who had been speaking to a guard, turned back to face him. "Too late!" he announced.

"What?!" Tish screamed.

"You took too long to respond," the Master replied, his tone almost gleeful. "So, Jack, the slaughter of all those innocent people will be yours." He started to leave.

"No, please," Jack begged desperately . "I will do anything you want, only please stop."

The Master turned back with a cold smile. "Funny, you almost sounded like the Doctor," he replied . "You want to emulate him, you have for such a long time. Coming to Earth, trying to help the Human Race. Those are very Doctor-like aspirations. So now you can take on another attribute of his, the slaughter of millions. He destroyed the Time Lords, you destroyed Japan. Along with your friends Toshiko and, hopefully, Miss Jones." The Master left, to the sounds of Tish's wailing, as the guards shackled Jack.

Jack stood next to the Doctor, observing the vision, and wept. "I tried to stop him, Doc," he said. "I wasn't fast enough."

The Doctor, who had watched the Toclafane descend, who was forced to hear the screams of millions of Japanese as they were slaughtered for the Master's amusement, turned to face Jack, his face pale. "This was why he destroyed Japan?" he asked. Jack nodded, unable to speak. "Oh, the tears of Rassilon."

"All those people..." Jack began as his voice broke. "All because of me. All...because...." 

The Doctor took Jack into his arms and held him as he wept. "No, Jack, no," he said. "You faced an impossible choice. You couldn't live with hurting Tish that way. And it ultimately wouldn't have mattered. You would have done a terrible thing, and then he would have destroyed Japan anyway, just to be cruel and punish you. Oh, Jack..."

Jack broke the embrace and stood away from the Doctor. "Doc, you need to take me somewhere and leave me there," he said, unable to even look at his friend. 

"No, Jack," the Doctor answered. "We've been over this. I am not going to leave you."

"The death of millions would be enough reason," Jack continued. "Because I couldn't do what he wanted, I engaged in Genocide."

"So did I."

"You did it to stop a war. All was lost. If you'd allowed the Daleks to leave, after conquering Gallifrey, they would have slaughtered the universe. I don't have that reason."

"Jack, those millions of people are not dead," the Doctor reassured him. "They are quite alive. Your memory has turned into a bad dream."

"I was there, so were you. And it's just the beginning. Once you've seen everything, you will hate me for all this."

"I won't," the Doctor argued. "I won't." He was stroking the sides of Jack's face with his hands, trying to calm him, wondering what Jack had in his recent memory that he considered so terrible, as if this wasn't terrible enough. For now, though, he had to get his friend past this memory. "Jack, listen to me..."

~ #~

It was some time before the Doctor awoke and broke contact with Jack. When he opened his eyes Martha could see the toll that had been taken on him: his face looked pale, his dancing brown eyes dull. He had engaged in something arduous. Jack, however, remained asleep. "Martha," the Doctor whispered. "Jack is going to need a mild sedative so he'll remain asleep. I can't do anything more tonight."

Martha helped the Doctor to stand. "Did you find that memory?" she asked. "I've never heard him so terrified."

The Doctor looked at Martha and debated whether to tell her. Martha had been in Japan during that massacre, only the Perception Filter and Jack's Vortex Manipulator to protect her and allowing her escape. But as Tish's sister, she should know that Jack could have done a terrible thing and yet refused, but his reluctance triggered the event. In the end, though, he decided he could only deal with Jack's trauma for now, and Martha deserved his full attention on her experience, which he couldn't give for a bit. "I found it," the Doctor answered simply. "You know how it goes..."

"Patient confidentiality," Martha finished . "I understand. Now, back to bed for you before you become my patient."

"You won't get an argument from me," he replied. The Doctor went back to his room and immediately fell asleep again. When he awoke early the next morning, he went back to Jack's room to check on him. Opening the door he was greeted by a wonderful sight: the TARDIS had lit the room to simulate the light in a bedroom on a warm summer morning, complete with a fresh breeze and birdsong. Jack was still asleep under the covers. Martha was lying next to him on the bed, a throw blanket covering part of her clothed body, sleeping next to him.

He smiled at the peace of the scene. mentally thanking the TARDIS for trying to offer her own comfort, and let them sleep.

~#~

After a day's break, allowing the Doctor to recover his strength, he and Jack resumed their sessions. Jack's mind was ready to show him the torture the Master inflicted on him; more than a few times Jack used the safe word ( " _Elephant, elephant!! Doctor, please, ELEPHANT!!_ "), and the Doctor would take Jack back to the bar he created in the beginning. Jack would tremble in fear for awhile, have a few drinks for comfort, then would start again. The Doctor admired Jack for this feat alone--after the first time using the safe word, most would not dare to wade in a second time. Not Jack. Yes, he would run, temporarily, then would go back, a sign his courage was returning.

What Jack showed the Doctor was horrifying. The Master displayed unlimited creativity in his ability to torture Jack. There were knives slicing his skin, stabbings, beatings by the guards, amputations, electrocution. If Jack died of his injuries the Master seemingly would become angry his fun was interrupted and would have to wait for Jack to revive. And in every session the Master used words on him, that he was a freak, a monster, a thing, that nobody decent would ever wish to be near him, that even the Doctor abandoned him on Earth for this reason. In all this he simply held Jack's hand and felt sad that he had been a part of Jack's pain.

The day Jack showed the Doctor the vivisection, the Doctor immediately took Jack back to the bar, broke contact, then went to his room and emptied the contents of his stomach, shaking all over. When he returned to the MediBay Jack was in a fetal position on the bed, weeping uncontrollably. Martha was stroking his back, trying to comfort him. The Doctor curled up next to him and held him in his arms, letting Jack weep. "It's alright, let it out," he whispered softly. "I'm so sorry. You don't need to show me any more today."

Two hours later the Doctor wandered into the kitchen. Martha was waiting for him with a hot cup of tea. "I think I need two bananas for that," he said. "And then...you're hardly going to believe this...a very strong drink."

Martha's eyes opened wide. "That bad?"

The Doctor nodded. "So help me, if I knew how to resurrect him, I'd do it and destroy him myself," he growled.

"I figured it was bad when I first heard Jack cry out, then you broke contact to engage in Technicolor yawning," she replied. "Where is Jack?"

"He's still in the MediBay," the Doctor answered. "I sedated him. He'll sleep. He had a catharsis, now I need him to rest." The Doctor ate his bananas, plus a few vegetables Martha sauteed for him. "Things are so much worse for him than I ever imagined," he finally said . 

"Were you not together on the _Valiant_?" Martha asked .

"We were on different parts of the ship," the Doctor replied. "I could hear some of it, which is bad enough, but to know all of it...I can only wonder what your family had happen when they weren't with me." He sighed. "Jack was tortured because he was with us, then he was tortured for fun. Then because he couldn't die. And then because some of the ways he died took longer to regenerate." Tears filled the Doctor's eyes while Martha appeared stunned at the news. "Do you remember when Jack suggested the Perception Filter to sneak up behind the Master and break his neck? Looking back, I should have let him. Better, I should have done it."

"No," Martha argued. "Because if not for the past year, I would never have learned about myself. And the fact you had a chance to kill him and didn't makes you better than him. Do you think he would have changed his mind about me? Absolutely not. He wanted to gloat over me before he killed me. He wanted to make you watch and suffer. You did none of that. Jack wanted you to leave him, but you haven't. Now, how does that not make you better than the Master?"

The Doctor was silent, pondering over what Martha said. He took her hand and affectionately kissed it. "Thank you," he said with a grin.

"Don't mention it," Martha smiled back. "Now, as a would-be doctor, here is some medical advice. Go to Jack. Hold him close. If you have the nerve, tell him how you feel about him. And get some sleep. You look knackered."

"Excellent advice," the Doctor acknowledged.

"Good," Martha answered , "because once I become a doctor I'm going to charge for that advice."

The Doctor dressed for sleep and reentered the MediBay. There he changed Jack's clothes and got into bed with him. Jack was sleeping and looked peaceful, better than he had been that day. He pulled Jack into his arms and kissed the top of his head. "Oh, Jack," he whispered. "I am so sorry for all the things that happened to you. And I'm sorry I had such a major part in all these things. I don't understand how you can be so forgiving of me for that, but you are. I deserve your hatred and mistrust, but you let me into your mind to see what you won't tell me. How could I ever deserve that honor from you?" He stroked Jack's hair. "You keep trying to push me away," he whispered. "You keep telling me I will end up hating you. How can I ever hate you? You infuriate me sometimes, you confuse me, you exasperate me, but I don't half love you for all of it. And I am going to do all I can in my power to help you come back. Because the Jack I love is needed in this universe." 

In his sleep Jack snuggled closer to the Doctor. The Doctor smiled at this. For all of Jack's reputation as a sexual magnet, a man with an insatiable appetite for pleasure, he was surprisingly gentle and affectionate. The Doctor knew he would never question how Jack felt about him. In this knowledge and security, the Doctor closed his eyes and let sleep take him, the TARDIS humming her approval.

~#~

Jack had a dream, one of the few times where the dream was beautiful and not some bad memory turned nightmare. In this dream the Doctor lay beside him in bed, holding him close. He was stroking his hair and whispering something he couldn't quite hear. It wasn't the first time he'd dreamt of being in bed with the Doctor, but it was the first time he'd not been having a dream of sex with him. They were clothed, there was simply affection, and Jack had never felt such a sense of belonging, of completion, of knowledge this was where he wanted to be forever. If the universe ended in that very second, he couldn't have asked for a better place and time.

Jack opened his eyes. The space next to him was empty. It had only been a dream after all. As he sat up and stretched, Jack realized it was probably a good thing it was a dream. Once the Doctor delved further into his memories there would only be rejection. There was no way the Doctor would ever wish to be with him again. It was something Jack had faced before, the second he allowed himself to open up and let himself get closer, something would happen. Often that involved death, considering he was immortal, but at times it was an outright rejection of _him_. His mother after the death of his father and disappearance of his brother...a couple of ex-wives who couldn't bear growing older while he stayed young (a repeated pattern from many women and men)...any number of others who saw him as a good time or amazing in bed, but that was all he was good for...a soldier simply sent in to do a job. Nobody was allowed to see how much this wounded him, but somehow the Master did and used it. And he didn't have to come up with anything new, he used words he'd heard before, even from the Doctor.

The idea depressed Jack. Once everything was known he'd hear those words yet again. Maybe worse.

The Doctor took that moment to walk into the MediBay. "Morning, Jack!" he smiled brightly. "I was in the control room making a few repairs. We can start again when you've showered and get some breakfast into you." Without a word Jack got up and walked past him to the hallway, the Doctor noticing the dark expression on his face.

Martha and the Doctor waited in the kitchen for Jack to join them, then after several minutes decided to start without him. When they finished and Jack had still not come, worry once again crept in. "Doctor, where is he?" Martha asked.

The TARDIS hummed at the Doctor's mental questions and he sighed. "At least he's still in his room," the Doctor answered. "The TARDIS says he's okay."

Martha was quiet, taking in his answer. "Granted I don't quite know how this procedure works," Martha began, her voice soft, "but do you suppose you're throwing a little too much at Jack? I mean, you're spending all this time sorting through all these horrible things and having Jack relive them. And even though you've not told me what they are I know it's bad. But perhaps Jack simply needs a bit of a break."

The Doctor sighed. "You may be right," he agreed with her. "But as a medical person you understand that sometimes it's less painful to rip a bandage off all at once than peel it off slowly. Jack is in a fragile state of mind at the moment. There is something he's afraid to show me, I can feel it. If we charge toward it he may let me see it before he realizes. But if I let Jack hesitate, he may build up internal defenses I might have to break by force, which I don't want. Whatever the secret is, I fear leaving it undiscovered. I think it's dark enough to destroy him."

Martha nodded and pondered over her tea. "You can wander in Jack's mind," she said, "but can he wander in yours?"

"'A door once opened can be stepped through in either direction,'" he answered, remembering what Reinette Poisson once told him.

"Then maybe what Jack needs is a feeling you're willing to trust _him_ , not just him trusting _you_ ," Martha responded. "You have your own memories. Share some with him."

The Doctor smiled. "Martha, that's brilliant!" he announced, jumping up from the table. "Maybe you should train in psychiatry!" Without another word he left the kitchen and headed for Jack's room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor shares both something special and a dark memory of his own.

The Doctor carefully knocked on the door before opening it. He found Jack sitting on his bed, fully clothed though his hair was still damp. "Are you coming for breakfast?" he asked, trying to keep the conversation casual.

Jack looked up at the Doctor, for just a moment giving a glance of doubt and worry. "Doc, do we really have to do anything today?" he asked. "I'm really not up to it."

"Why?" the Doctor asked gently. "Do you not think it's helping?"

Jack shrugged. "It's not that, really," Jack told him. "It's just...for all these days we've been pulling up all these memories I have on the _Valiant_ and these sessions last all day long. I just feel like taking a break today."

The Doctor sat on the bed next to Jack. "I think I know part of the problem," he suggested. "All this time, and for a long time before, I have asked you to trust me on things, and you've been afraid for me to trust you. You've thought I might reject you if you failed, that I'd simply leave if you didn't meet my standards. Captain, that is not going to happen, but I need to show you that. So, for today, let's not do this. We'll relax and enjoy the TARDIS. And tomorrow I will trust you to be ready with continuing. How about that?" Jack nodded. "Good. Now, I think you need breakfast. You've eaten nothing since yesterday, and I think it would help you to feel better."

~#~

When the Doctor told Martha of the plan for a day off, spending the day in the TARDIS, she smiled and decided to spend her time in a room the TARDIS made for her, a beach on Barbados she'd visited with her family as a graduation gift. Sunbathing on a tropical beach with a fruity drink in one hand and a book in another sounded like the break she needed. 

Jack and the Doctor, meanwhile, visited another room, one the Doctor liked to visit when he needed some quiet contemplation. At first Jack was surprised the room wasn't a recreation of Gallifrey, but from what he recalled the Doctor didn't necessarily want to be reminded of the world he destroyed, and there simply wasn't a great many pleasant memories he had before that, either. So the place they visited was a special garden, with a variety of flowers and trees, along with the sounds of birds. Warm, golden sunlight filtered down from above, and Jack enjoyed the feeling of calm he received.

"How do you like it, Jack?" the Doctor asked.

"It's beautiful," Jack replied.

"I like to come here. All these plants, the flowers and trees, are favorites from the worlds I've visited. When I need a place to stop and quiet my mind, this is where you find me."

"Why did you bring me here, Doc?"

"Because," the Doctor answered softly, "this is something I wanted to share with you. Nobody else has ever been in this room. Not Martha, not Rose. Only you." Both were silent as they stared about them. "Walk with me," the Doctor said to Jack, the tone in his voice almost pleading.

Jack walked quietly with the Time Lord for a long time, amazed as each turn in the path revealed new natural wonders to admire. Finally, the Doctor found a soft hillock of apple grass and sat down to rest, pulling the immortal down to rest beside him. The peace of the surroundings made it almost an intrusion to speak. After several minutes the Doctor faced Jack. "There is something else that I want to share with you," he said, holding his fingers to Jack's temples.

"Oh, Doctor, really?" Jack frowned at him. "I tell you I don't want to do a session today, so you try to trick me into it?"

"No," the Doctor answered. his eyes sad. "I came here with you because I needed to be reminded of my safe place. This is my own memory I am going to share with you." Reluctantly Jack placed his fingers to the Doctor's temples.

Suddenly Jack found himself back on the _Valiant_ , this time in the control room, and realized he really was visiting the Doctor's memories. His regenerative abilities suspended, he was now being held in a birdcage, which was better than his sleeping in a tent on straw and being forced to eat food from a dog dish. The Master and his wife Lucy were observing him, her face a mosaic of color from the latest beating he'd given her. 

"So, Doctor, no sign of Miss Jones today, in spite of the message I sent," the Master stated. "Nobody seems to be able to find her, now why is that? Could it be that she has abandoned you at last?" He waited for an answer and received none; the Doctor wasn't giving him the satisfaction. "Oh, dear. Cat got your tongue? Ironic phrase considering you're sitting in a birdcage." The Master laughed at him. "Well, I have already punished you for your part in today's attempt. The Jones family will have the pleasure of watching Martha's execution when the time comes. So the only one left to punish for today would be the Freak in the engine room."

"Don't touch him," he growled .

"And what will you do otherwise?" The Master laughed at him. "How frightened should I be of someone in a birdcage? Funny, he used to be a torturer, and now he's being tortured. I make that out to what some on Earth call 'karma'. I have to admit, though, that he's been through the worst I've come up with so far and taken it. I do believe he enjoys it, you know. Which means he'll really enjoy tonight." The Doctor could hear sounds from the engine room. Jack's voice was muffled, the sounds of others laughing and shouting happily. 

The Doctor's blood ran cold; he'd heard these sounds before and knew in his mind what was happening. Tears filled his eyes. "You don't have to do this," the Doctor offered. "The plan today was my idea. Jack merely took part. If you're going to punish anyone it should be me."

The Master listened to the Doctor's pleas with amusement. "But I've already punished you," he replied. And I'm punishing you now, by making you listen. And since my soldiers don't get Leave often, I'm merely providing a service they'd engage in anyway. With Jack available, why would they ever request Leave?" The Master and Lucy left for their own quarters, leaving the sounds of Jack's muffled moans and cries behind, along with the sounds of his soldiers having fun. 

Jack opened his eyes to see the Doctor sitting across from him. Tears were streaming down the Doctor's face, tears of shame and sadness and pain. "You should hate me so much for what I've done to you," the Doctor whispered to him. "I deserved the punishment, not you."

"But I don't hate you," Jack replied. "We were all in on that plan, and others. All of us were punished."

"Not that way," the Doctor argued. Jack could feel the Doctor's emotions emanating from him: rage, regret, guilt, something else...unspoken...something Jack felt himself, had longed for. "None of that would have happened to you had you not been my companion, and I am sorry."

Jack cupped the Doctor's face in his hands, brushing the years away with his thumbs. Then he leaned in and gave the Doctor a chaste kiss on the lips. The Doctor did not pull away; instead, the Doctor deepened the kiss, making it last, opening his mouth to Jack. The kiss was sweet and lingering, full of tenderness.The Doctor gently pushed Jack over until Jack was lying on the ground and the Doctor was lying on top of him.

"Do you understand why I brought you to this place, Jack?" he asked, caressing the side of Jack's face. "I want this to be a special place, just for us."

Jack looked up at the Doctor. For so long he had wanted this, had dreamt of the day, the _moment_ , the _very second_ the Doctor would willingly give himself to Jack. And now the moment was actually here, and it broke Jack's heart. "You can't," he whispered, his voice threatening to break. "You don't want to be with me."

The Doctor blinked. "But why, Jack? Why don't I want to be with you?"

Jack sat up. "Because you deserve so much better," he answered. "What happened to me this past year....I'm so damaged...I can't be any good for you. I can't be good for anyone, for that matter." He stood and walked back down the path, heading for the door.

"Jack?" The Doctor called as he followed. "Wait, Jack, please? Jack!" Jack finally stopped and turned back to face him. "Jack, I think I can be the judge of who or what I deserve," he told him, his voice firm. "No matter what's happened, you are who I want. And I know you want me, don't you?"

"It's not a question of wanting you," Jack replied with a sigh. "It's...In the end you'll just end up hating who I am. I can't be who you want me to be."

"But why, Jack?" The Doctor demanded. "What's happened in the past year that I don't know?"

Jack stepped up to the Doctor without another word and placed his fingers on the Doctor's temples. The Doctor followed suit.

And it all came in a rush.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A very bad series of memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a rough chapter to write. This comes with a massive **TRIGGER WARNING**. I'm serious. It's where I wanted to go creatively, but if you have faced sexual assault (whether male or female) and you might be triggered by depictions, PLEASE skip this part. It's not worth your pain.

The first time it happened, there were two. And the Master watched.

As the Master stood by passively, the two guards took turns with him, using his mouth and his arse, the Master issuing the threat of harm to the others if he resisted. When they finished they chained him back up, leaving him bleeding and violated. The injuries healed quickly, but the sense of violation remained.

The next time, it was the same two guards, but this time the Master participated. He came in Jack's face. 

From there it was an endless cycle, with the scenarios slightly changed. Sometimes it was the Master alone raping him as he stood chained in the engine room. Sometimes the Master wasn't there when the guards descended. Two, three, four...each would have their turn in some fashion. Some would take turns beating him. During particularly brutal sessions he was gagged so the sounds of his screams would be muffled. The night of the failed attempt, the night the Master suspended the Doctor's regenerative abilities and placed him in a birdcage, there had been ten by his count, but after two double penetrations he passed out from the pain. And there was always the Master's voice in his head, telling him how he deserved this, he was good for nothing else, that everyone knew it and decent people would reject him because they'd see his reality and find him undesirable.

The final night had been the worst. After a year of torture, of beatings, of rape, there had come the word Martha had been found, and from there Jack had lost hope. While she had been wandering the Earth, in spite of the devastation, Jack had held onto the last shred of hope that things would be alright, that this terrible thing would eventually end. Now that chance was gone. So it was when the Master came to him in the engine room before descending to Earth to seize Martha, Jack had no fight left in him.

He was lying in his cot, then heard the unbuckling of a belt. Before the Master could speak Jack knew it was him. Instead of struggling or delivering some statement of defiance, Jack simply lowered his pants and presented himself.

"Now what's this, Jacky-boy?" the Master asked in surprise. "You're just giving it to me freely? Now, that's hardly fun, is it? It's always better when there's some resistance involved. Still, I'm hardly the type to turn down anything I can take for free." He suddenly grabbed Jack by the back of his neck and walked him over to a table, where normally the Master placed the case holding his instruments of torture. Jack, once again, was stunned by the deceptive strength Time Lords possessed; Jack was strong and powerfully built, but neither the Doctor or the Master appeared strong enough to lift a paper clip, yet could handle him easily. Jack was forced face down on the table while the Master held him down by the neck with one hand; the other hand unzipped his fly. Before he knew it, Jack felt the Master force himself inside, the Master's free hand holding him at the hip. 

As the Master thrust into him repeatedly, Jack felt his body betraying him. The Master was grazing his prostate with every thrust, causing a pooling tension in his abdomen. The Master thrust harder, then with a grunt his body stiffened. Jack felt the Master's cool seed release inside him before his vision went fuzzy. When he came to his senses, both men trying to catch their breath, Jack realized he'd released all over his thighs, his lower abdomen, and had dripped onto the floor.

The Master chuckled as he composed himself. "I guess you really wanted it after all," he said, then leaned over Jack again. "Just remember after this you are absolutely mine," he growled. "You come to me freely whenever I call. And if you don't, I will make you suffer. Now, clean yourself up." He left Jack at the table, knowing he had betrayed everyone he'd ever loved, and himself worst of all. Nobody with any decency would ever be around him again, but that didn't really matter anyway. He now belonged to the Master, so there would be no such thing as decency, just cold depravity. And since Jack couldn't die there was no escape. He was trapped.

~#~

Jack released the Doctor's temples. The Doctor took a step backward, staring at Jack with a mixture of fear, horror, and repulsion. "You...you let him?" he asked in shock.

Jack could see the Doctor's dark eyes. What he saw wasn't the Oncoming Storm, it was far worse. This was disappointment, disapproval, rejection. First the revelation he worked for Torchwood, whom the Doctor hated, and now this. "I lost all hope, Doc," Jack told him. "I know it's not an answer, it never can be an answer, but the darkness had consumed me. As long as Martha was evading him I could resist, even though it caused me pain. But you could no longer help, you'd been taken down as low as you could get. Once it was known where Martha was, there was no point in anything anymore. He had won, there was nothing left."

The Doctor didn't want to be angry at Jack. He really wanted to be angry at those who'd attacked him. There was a part of his Time Lord brain who wanted to track down those soldiers and go Oncoming Storm on them. Rape was so personal, so terrible. He knew Jack had experienced it before as a prisoner.The Master had also inflicted psychological warfare on him, and such had been Jack's strength that it had taken em>one year of all-day torture to break him. But in the end, he had broken. He gave himself to the Master. The Doctor was nearly sickened by the thought. He backed away from Jack, knowing he was close to screaming at the wrong person for this.

"Doctor, I'm sorry," Jack stuttered. "I'm so sorry. Now you know why I didn't want to show you, and ultimately why I did. Doctor?"

The Doctor didn't know what to say, he was so horrified by the images of everything Jack had shown. Not just the last night, but the gang rapes, the torture, the choice over Japan. "No, Jack, please," he waved Jack off. " I --I can't --" Then he ran back down the path until he was violently sick near a rose bush. 

Jack, meanwhile, was frozen to the spot the Doctor had left him. He knew what the Doctor's reaction would be, the Master had warned him it would happen. Jack warned himself it would happen. The Doctor was sickened to even look at him; the Doctor didn't even want to be near him. He didn't want to inflict this pain on the one he loved, but the Doctor had insisted, had pushed him to do it. And now that he had seen it all came the expected reaction --he was revolted. Anger flashed in his mind over the waste of time before the predicted outcome. Jack knew this planet, knew it was harsh and desolate, but could sustain life given someone was strong and was willing to work to survive. Jack was physically strong. Even if the will to survive wasn't as strong, what was the worst that could happen? He'd simply come back over and over.

Jack took a few tentative steps down the path, back toward the Doctor, wanting to apologize yet again for being so objectionable. Then he stopped and went in the opposite direction. He left the room. He knew what to do.

~#~ 

It took a while before the Doctor stopped trying to expel every single item of food he'd eaten in the last month, heaving until he saw flashing lights in front of his eyes. He looked up, expecting to see Jack hovering nearby, wanting to be a helping hand. But he wasn't there. He recalled what Jack had said about there being no point to anything, then recalled Lucy had said the same thing upon seeing the futility of Utopia. It had driven her mad, that hopelessness, Jack had felt that when he broke. The Doctor sympathized with both of them. Humans needed hope to survive, and without hope they resorted to desperation. He walked toward the door. Jack had to have gone back to his room. He needed to reassure the immortal that he understood his hopelessness, that his anger and revulsion was for those who'd hurt him, that what Jack didn't hear last night had not changed today. And that he would be by Jack's side as long as it took for as long as needed for him to be whole again.

Halfway through the garden there was a thump. "That's the TARDIS," the Doctor muttered to himself. Then the TARDIS hummed at him in a near panic. "Jack," he sighed. "Oh, no."

in the hallway he was met by Martha, wearing a cover over her bikini. "Doctor, did the TARDIS just land?" she asked.

"I hope not," the Doctor answered, though he was already following the TARDIS' lead and running toward the control room. Jack knew that much at least. The Doctor had shown him how to land the thing, he'd done it a couple of times.

The Doctor and Martha ran into the control room, finding the TARDIS doors open and Jack's key on the console. Outside the doors lay a landscape that seemed inhospitable. The wind blowing bitterly cold at hurricane force. "Can we follow him, Doctor?" Martha asked, her voice shaking.

The Doctor closed the doors and took a deep breath. More than anything he wanted to run out there and find him, convince him to return, beg on his hands and knees if he must. "Not until the storm clears," he answered solemnly. By the time that happened Jack would be dead. The Doctor hoped somehow he'd get a chance to ask for his forgiveness.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor goes to retrieve Jack

The windstorm raged for several hours, long enough for the Doctor and Martha to shower, barely eat a light supper, and take turns napping. The safe thing to do would be to put the TARDIS back in orbit until the storm cleared, but if Jack was close he might see them dematerialize and believe he was being abandoned again. At the moment it might be exactly what Jack thought he wanted and deserved. 

Martha stood at the door, listening to the wind howl. "The sound of the wind is enough to freeze my blood," she shivered. She turned back to the Doctor and saw the guilt and worry on his face. "Doctor, we'll find him," she said gently as she rubbed his arm. "You and I know how brilliant and resourceful he is."

"That worries me," the Doctor countered. "If he doesn't want to be found, he's brilliant and resourceful enough to make it hard to do. Anything can happen to him in this storm--exposure would be the least of it." In frustration he ran his hands through his hair. "How could I have been so oblivious?!" he cried out. "Jack showed me what horrors he experienced, some of the worst torture I've ever seen, and I didn't stop to consider my anger and disgust at what happened he could turn inward and think I was showing anger and disgust at him!" The Doctor blinked and tried to keep tears from falling. "I've lost him, Martha. Even assuming I find him and bring him back here, he'll never trust me again. I've betrayed him too often. He will close his mind to me and I will have lost him."

"You haven't lost him, Doctor. He cares for you too deeply. He will not forget that, I'm sure." Martha wrapped him up in a hug and the Doctor buried himself in it, one of the few times Martha noted the Doctor had let her see him as vulnerable. He'd always tried to be strong, jaunty, fun, adventurous, brave...but every now and then he would let the veil slip and she could see his fear, loneliness, insecurity. She imagined this would be how the Doctor and Jack would be together, if they could ever put themselves together for real. And ultimately that's what they should do.

The Doctor noticed two things nearly at the same time. First was the sound, or, rather the lack of one. "The wind has died down," he announced. He stepped over to the monitor and stared. "The storm is moving away," he said to Martha. "I can start searching for him soon." Then he noticed something strange sitting on the console. "That's Jack's Vortex Manipulator."

"I gave it back to him the night we first sedated him," Martha stated. "I thought if he awoke with it on he might feel more safe."

"He placed it on a part of the console I don't normally look at after landing. I don't think he intended for us to find it quickly. He probably wanted some kind of head start."

"The teleport function works. Could you use it to teleport to Jack?"

"Only if I know which direction he headed," the Doctor answered. Otherwise we'd get lost coming back. In this weather that could be deadly."

The Doctor tried to dress as warmly as he could and yet be able to carry Jack if necessary. He used the Vortex Manipulator to read Jack's life signs, which were barely registering, whether through distance or hypothermia, he wasn't sure. At least, however, he had a general direction. Strapping the Vortex Manipulator to his arm he gave a very serious look at Martha. "There is something you need to know," he said. "There is a chance the cold could be too much for me. I've preset the coordinates back to Earth, so if I regenerate the TARDIS will fly back on its own. There's also a chance if I do regenerate things can go wrong, they have before. Make sure I have plenty of hot tea to drink, at the very least Jack will need it."

"Maybe I should get Jack instead?" Martha offered.

The Doctor smiled gratefully at her offer. "If the cold is too much for me, it would certainly be too much for you," he answered. "And I wouldn't have you wander the desolate wasteland of Earth this past year only to lose you on some other desolate wasteland of another planet." He pushed a few buttons on the Vortex Manipulator and suddenly he was gone.

~#~

Teleportation without the TARDIS was rough on the Doctor. No matter how far he went, he ended up sick and disoriented, and feeling like he did the few times in his 900 years (He could count the times on one hand) he had a hangover from drinking. He wondered why humans enjoyed alcohol so much if this was the end result. He also wondered why Time Agents didn't get their act together and organize and demand spaceships capable of time travel.

Of course that made the Doctor look around, hoping to find Jack easily. The cold was already ripping through his clothing as if it didn't exist, and even though he could endure the cold longer than Jack, he wouldn't endure for long. And underneath that woollen longcoat, Jack wasn't wearing enough layers to withstand the cold. The Doctor was standing near an outcropping of rock, across from a vast, open area; he could easily see the light of the TARDIS in the distance across from him. Jack had come across the field towards these rocks, the storm raging. The Doctor's thought was that Jack would probably have tried to find a cave or some kind of shelter in these rocks, a way to get out of the wind; it was much too cold to actually snow. This planet had some wildlife Jack could easily hunt for food, but nothing incredibly dangerous; the true danger of this place was the weather. Below ground was a geothermal wonder, providing plenty of warmth and water to live comfortably. 

Assuming Jack could actually survive long enough to find shelter.

The Doctor looked at the Vortex Manipulator, tracking life signs. It took a moment to figure out; the buttons didn't look obvious--no pushing Button A to get Result A--but the Doctor figured it out quickly enough. Since Jack was infused with the energy of the TARDIS, the heart of the Time Vortex itself, the Vortex Manipulator consistently tried to point the Doctor back in the direction of the TARDIS, making the readings jump off the scale. He had to focus on the weaker readings and tried to walk in a general direction away from where the energy source was pointing.

The Doctor was concentrating so hard he was looking at the Vortex Manipulator instead of where he was stepping. So it shocked him to find himself tripping over something in the dark. He fell across it, then realized it wasn't hard enough to be a rock. Then he realized that he had actually tripped over Jack, lying face down. "Jack?" He easily turned his friend over and felt for a pulse. It was very weak, but there. Even though he knew Jack couldn't die, he certainly didn't want to see him die, especially like this and because of a mistake on the Doctor's part. The Doctor had to hurry. He was already being affected by the cold, finding it difficult to concentrate on the Vortex Manipulator buttons to lock onto the TARDIS and teleport back. Looking at Jack literally freezing to death right in front of him wasn't helping. He punched up the power source and placed Jack's frozen, dying hand onto the Vortex Manipulator, the Doctor covering Jack's hand with his own.

They landed just outside the TARDIS, the Doctor again feeling disoriented and dizzy and sick, but he couldn't concentrate on himself at the moment. He picked up Jack in his arms and pushed the door open with his foot. "Martha! The MediBay, now!" he called out as he rushed through the control room. Martha shut the door behind the Doctor and ran into the MediBay after him.

~#~

As an intern Martha had treated hypothermia once, when she treated a homeless man during a rotation in A&E. It had been one of the only cases she handled herself; most of the time she assisted in stitches after pub fights and handing plastic tubs to those who were feeding the sharks, as it were. 

She assisted the Doctor as much as she could dealing with Jack. The TARDIS was mostly in charge, and even then it was agonizingly slow, but eventually they warmed Jack to the point he would survive, all without losing any parts to frostbite. Only after Jack was pulled through did the Doctor start to show the effects of his ordeal. To Martha the Doctor looked pale and drawn, and even a cup of tea and a couple of bananas barely helped. 

"You're sick and exhausted," Martha warned him. "There's really nothing more we can do tonight. You need to rest and sleep."

For once the Doctor didn't attempt to argue with her. Instead he just looked at Jack sadly. "Is he well enough not to stay in the MediBay?"

"I suppose the TARDIS can monitor him in his bedroom. Or yours, if that's what you want."

"I want him to wake up somewhere safe and comfortable," the Doctor replied, picking Jack up gingerly. "And I promise I will sleep. I don't have the strength for much else." He carried Jack into the hallway with the idea of heading to his room, but then changed his mind. Jack needed someplace where he felt safe. He sent his tired thought to the TARDIS, who hummed in approval. He felt better about where they were going.

It would be comfortable. And warm.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A reckoning in the relationship between The Doctor and Jack.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sexual content in this chapter. Turn away if you have virgin minds.

Jack was floating around in his half sleep, feeling at peace. He remembered feeling the bitter cold, and pain, then strangely warm. He could feel arms holding him and feeling secure, as if he had wanted someone to find him and did. In spite of being an adult, in these arms he felt safe and protected. Now he felt warm again, but a different kind of warm. This warmth went into the core of his being. He rolled over and went back to sleep.

When he started to reawaken, he could hear soft noises. Birds were chirping. He smelled the freshness of apple grass mixed with the scents of flowers. And he felt the sun warming him. Jack opened his eyes and found himself back in the garden the Doctor had shown him. He was lying on a hillock of apple grass as soft as any bed, and the TARDIS had trained a shaft of light on him that was warming him. At first his bleary mind wondered if he had simply fallen asleep on that hillock and dreamt everything else. Then he noticed the pillow under his head, a soft blanket over him, and he was dressed in pajamas. And the Doctor was asleep nearby in the same fashion. 

Slowly the memories returned: he'd left behind the key and his Vortex Manipulator, not intending to return. He was going to find a shelter in that outcropping of rock, perhaps find a cave that was warm and dry and didn't have an animal that could eat him in it. Then he would make a home away from anyone who could hurt him or judge him. He couldn't kill himself anymore, but he could sure as hell not be where others were--he wasn't staying where he wasn't wanted. But the clearing he had to cross to get to the rocks was wider than he thought, the storm much more fierce, and his wool coat could only keep out so much of the cold. By the time he was at the outcropping he simply wanted to rest.He knew it wouldn't matter if he went to sleep, as he'd just die and come back. That was the last he knew until he woke up here.

Jack looked over at the Doctor, who was still sleeping. He remembered the reason he'd been out there in the first place. The Doctor had begun opening his emotions, something Jack had longed for, and then Jack had shared the darkest of his memories. He knew he would be rejected for this, for showing he truly wasn't worthy of love, all the while hoping the Doctor would see it and tell him it didn't matter, he was loved anyway. And as expected he was rejected. Yet he was back here again, in this inner sanctum of the TARDIS, a place where the Doctor said he had never shared with anyone else. Jack could only believe it was to face a humiliation Martha would never witness, a rejection so final he would never have to guess where he was with anyone again, without hope. Well, if that's not a way to get rid of the Fixed Point in the Universe!

Jack stood up with the help of a nearby tree. He felt a bit weak and unsteady from the ordeal, but he wanted to wash up and have food inside him. Before long he felt the Doctor pulling him close. "Lean on me," he said gently. "Easy now. Walk slow."

"I can manage," Jack said curtly.

"You may think so," the Doctor replied, "but not really. Your body is really angry at you and trying to recover. You'll be better after today, though. Most who survive hypothermia are in bed a few days."

"Well, I figure that's not too bad," Jack stated. "You won't have to have me around you long."

The Doctor said nothing, simply helping Jack to his room so he could use the loo, shower, and dress for the day. The Doctor sat on Jack's bed and waited, feeling stung by his friend's anger. It was natural and expected, but still hurtful. Once Jack had dressed he helped Jack to the kitchen for breakfast.

The Doctor and Jack were alone together. "Where's Martha?" Jack asked quietly.

"I assume she's still asleep," the Doctor answered. "It was a long night for her. I promised to tend to you this morning, help you around." They ate quietly, both sensing the tension between them. Finally the Doctor felt the need to clear the air. Sipping his tea, he started, "About last night..."

"You don't have to worry about that," Jack interrupted him. "You were clear in your position and I can't blame you for that. I only wish we wouldn't have wasted any time." He drank his coffee. "Why did you bother?" he asked after a moment. "I kept warning you what would happen if you found out about me. In fact I've known what would happen for the longest time, but you kept saying to trust, you weren't like that. Ultimately I discovered otherwise."

The Doctor sighed. "Jack--"

"Does Martha know?" Jack asked. "Did you two discuss it?"

"No," the Doctor shook his head. "Some things need to stay between us. And she would be in a strop if she found out we entered each other's minds without her supervising me."

"I am surprised," Jack replied, bitter. "Surely you two would've discussed it so she could understand, if not simply for the shits and giggles."

The Doctor levelled a dark stare at Jack. "Stop it," he told him. "I am not that way. Neither is she, and you know it."

"Do I?" Jack demanded. " _Do I_ , Doctor?" He slammed his hand down on the table. "You knew who I was before all this!" he yelled. "I was a bad man, remember? I deserved to get blown up by that bomb for everything I did before, much less for that Chula ambulance thing! But you and Rose took me on. You made me think I could be better. You had me trust you, even after you abandoned me and I got stranded. But then the Master came along and held us prisoner. He made me think I really did deserve what he did to me. But you wouldn't leave it at that, you insisted none of it was true. And you know what? You had me believing! I trusted you wouldn't judge me, you would see what happened and say it was a lie. I wasn't a freak, I wasn't wrong, But then, you had me show you that final night. And you know what happened? I felt the waves of revulsion pouring out of you. Then I realized the Master had been absolutely right the whole time! So I left. Out there nobody else will encounter me. I'll be where I can't disappoint you or fail you again. And as soon as I'm better I'll go back, because you don't want me here." 

There was a moment of silence between them. "Are you finished?" The Doctor asked, tense. Jack simply frowned. "Jack, you have _never_ believed you were good enough, and if I have ever contributed to those doubts I am sorry. I would never have left you at the Game Station had I been alright, but I've told you before I wasn't. The Master took all of your doubts about yourself and manipulated them. He had to find some way of breaking you because physical torture would never accomplish that. As it was, you withstood breaking far longer than most humans would have. I can't help but think a reason for that is, deep down, you know I have been honest with you."

The Doctor knelt beside him and took Jack's hands into his. Jack flinched, trying to pull his hands away, but after a few seconds he relaxed. "The anger and disgust I felt...that was not at you, Jack. It was toward what was done to you, toward the Master and those guards, and toward...myself." Jack's eyes widened. "Yes, because none of what they did--the beatings, the torture, the rapes--would have happened if not for me. Because you trusted me. Because you wanted to be a better man for me. Don't you realize Jack that men who are good men look at the things they've done in the past and want to be better? You didn't deserve giving yourself to the Master the final night any more than you deserved to be blown up by that bomb you stopped. You are a good man, Jack. You're frustrating, infuriating, impulsive, but down deep you are good. And in spite of all of it, you still want love, you still long for acceptance. Nobody can take what you have in your entire life and still be so open and giving."

The Doctor was surprised to find tears on Jack's cheeks, tears Jack was probably not even aware he was shedding. "I don't know if I will ever deserve your trust again," he whispered softly. "But I am being honest. My apology to you is honest." He leaned in and touched his forehead to Jack's, stroking his hair. "And this is honest. And this..." The Doctor's lips found Jack's again for a moment before slightly pulling back again, "well, that's honest, too."

Jack was moved nearly beyond words; the Doctor had, in his own way, expressed love for him. And now that he had this, it presented a problem. He sighed and looked nearly heartbroken. "I...I love you Doctor," Jack whispered to him. "You have known that for a while. And now I don't know if I can...." He shook his head.

"We can go as fast or as slow as you want," the Doctor replied. "If there are things you cannot do we'll get past them."

"What if I can't do anything?"

The Doctor once again touched foreheads with Jack. "Then we'll find some other way." This time the kiss they shared lasted a little longer, but was still more affectionate than sensuous. "I will take all the time I must to show you you deserve good things, Jack. And love is a good thing." He pulled Jack in and held him, Jack draping his head over the Doctor's shoulder. "I want you here with me, Jack," he whispered. "Don't go back out there."

The Doctor helped Jack back to his bedroom; both needed sleep, but neither wanted to sleep alone. They climbed into bed together and held each other close, simply feeling the body of the one they loved close to them. And safe in that knowledge they fell asleep.

~#~

They woke up nearly at the same time, feeling better for the additional rest. Jack was feeling much stronger and could actually get in and out of bed on his own; at least an advantage of being infused with the TARDIS' energy was accelerated healing and recovery (which he'd used to his advantage a few times in the bedroom).

And speaking of bedrooms...

To find the Doctor in bed with him was a surprise, especially after the darkest of his memories had been revealed. And even knowing everything, the Doctor had not only chosen to have him stay, he'd revealed emotions Jack could only dream of. Jack wondered if maybe he was currently dreaming, that none of this had happened, and he wasn't still in the engine room of the _Valiant_ , waiting on the next round of torture, and that his mind had finally snapped. But the Doctor in that moment reached over and caressed his cheek, the light in his brown eyes showing tenderness, and Jack felt grounded in the reality the Doctor was in his bed with him.

The Doctor leaned in to give a slow kiss. Jack kissed him back, bringing him closer. Their hands found the back of their heads and deepened the kiss, neither man wishing to speak and therefore break the spell. The Doctor took his time, pushing Jack underneath until Jack was lying on the bottom. The Doctor nibbled down his throat, running the tip of his tongue down Jack's Adam's Apple. It had been a very long time since Jack had felt this tenderness from any man, and that maneuver had been purely erotic. The Doctor continued down to Jack's chest as his skin was exposed and his nipples were alternately teased and suckled, causing Jack's hips to rock upward. The Doctor smiled at the knowledge of what he was doing, enjoying the view of this man coming undone in front of him. He traced his hands over Jack's skin, feeling him shiver in desire, loving the muscles of this beautiful, immortal body and the noble, heroic, gentle, vulnerable soul contained within. His hands and fingers teased where lips and tongue had teased earlier, leaving Jack in awe of how the Doctor seemed easily capable of making his body sing so sweetly, even after being subjected to such violence. 

The Doctor pulled down Jack's bottoms to reveal the extent of his need. The Doctor breathed in wonder of this equally beautiful member wanting his attention. He glanced up at the face of the man he loved, seeing the pleading in his eyes, the longing and want. He nuzzled and kissed Jack's inner thighs, his scrotum, working his way up and around, lavishing the entire area, Jack rocking his hips in near desperation to put the Doctor where he needed his mouth. 

He wanted to hear Jack beg to him for mercy, for release, but this wasn't the right time for it; now was a time for him to be treasured and safe, adored and desired. The Doctor ran his tongue up and down Jack's shaft, tasting him, feeling him shiver and listening to his soft moaning. Then the Time Lord wrapped his lips around the head and sucked. Jack gripped the sheets underneath him and threw his head back, struggling to hold onto his control; for a being that didn't appear to engage in such primitive pursuits as sex, the Doctor certainly displayed tremendous skill. 

The Doctor was careful with Jack, making sure he did nothing to remind his lover of his treatment. So there was no holding him down, no force, no speed. He took his time to allow Jack his passion, to feel nothing but exquisite pleasure. And judging from the rise and fall of his body, of the hips trying to push deeper into the Doctor's mouth, of the lovely, greedy sounds he was making, Jack was more than feeling the passion, he was losing himself in it.

"Doctor," Jack breathed, from the sound to the Doctor's ears a type of warning. And then Jack was coming into the Doctor's mouth with a shuddering groan. The Doctor swallowed over and over, listening to Jack's panting, kissing his way back up until reaching his mouth and lingering there, gentle and thorough. The Doctor noticed, however, something different: Jack's breathing changed, sounding wet. Jack's panting had turned into sobbing. He held Jack against him, stroking his back. "Oh, Jack," he sighed. "What's wrong, love?"

"Nothing," Jack gasped . "It's...such a release.... " he shook all over, the Doctor still holding him. He finally pulled away slightly, his blue eyes glistening. "It's been a long, long time since I've been allowed to feel this good," he smiled. 

The Doctor smiled back. "I hope that's the first of many times to come." He lay beside Jack, snuggling together, the Doctor still caressing his skin; Jack was practically arching into his touch, a gesture the Doctor played with by lifting his hands and only stroking Jack with his fingertips. Jack ended up threading their fingers together and smiling wistfully. "Something on your mind?"

"Only that I have wanted this almost since I met you again," Jack sighed. "I saw your thin body and your gorgeous eyes, and while it wasn't instant lust..."

"Thank you," the Doctor snorted.

"Don't mention it," Jack fired back quickly. "But it surprised me. I always had a thing for the blue eyes and the ears. The ears were cute. And the leather."

"Do you want me to change?" he asked .

Jack's eyebrows nearly hit the ceiling. "Can you do that?"

"Oh, yes. Under certain circumstances."

"Will you?"

There was a pause. "No," he answered. "Sorry."

Jack smiled. "I had to ask," he replied. They were quiet a moment, then Jack turned serious. "Sometimes I wish I could change who I am."

"It's not all it's cracked up to be," the Doctor told him. "Regeneration sounds good, it helps to cheat death, but it can be painful. When you change everything changes. You are essentially you, but your former self dies. Some things, like memories, can be lost in the shuffle. Sometimes it tries to go wrong, like this time, and if it can't be corrected I can still die. And as you get older it becomes more unpredictable. But if you were to change, my hearts would break, because you are beautiful. Not just the outside, the inside."

"How can you possibly say that?" Jack frowned. "I've done some very ugly things in my life."

"Who hasn't?" The Doctor asked. "But you are beautiful. And I love you." Jack took him into his arms and kissed him fully, unsure if he could speak at that moment for the lump in his throat. He loved the Doctor, but had resigned himself to the idea he would never hear it said back. Now the Doctor was saying it freely. Jack found the idea both glorious and frightening. On one hand, in spite of the Doctor's assurances, he was worried about the potential of not proving worthy of the Time Lord's love, and soon the Doctor would leave him alone again. On the other hand, Jack felt he could never ask the Doctor to settle down and stay with him, that to do so would mean changing something basic, and Jack loved him far too much for that. To have the Doctor stay would be like caging him, and they had endured captivity for too long.

To Jack's shock, the Doctor looked at him with a wicked gleam in his dark eyes, then took Jack's hand and placed it on his substantial erection, moving the hand up and down suggestively. Jack was stunned at how forward the Doctor was being with him, but he certainly liked the idea. He stroked gently at first until he began to feel the drops of precum squeeze out that Jack spread over him and slicked him down. Then he became more insistent. The expression on the Doctor's face changed as well, reflecting his need and desire, becoming more desperate as Jack continued to stroke him. There were whimpers of mounting tension, chasing the release, Jack smiling at the power he was exerting, the knowledge of giving his lover so much pleasure.

The tension broke. With a keening cry the Doctor came, spurting cool semen over himself and Jack and Jack's hand. The Doctor continued to writhe during the aftershocks of what Jack had given to him, all the while Jack murmuring, "I got you, sweethearts, I got you," whispering other words of tenderness as the Doctor regained his senses.

They took a shower together afterwards. Before they came up for air and returned to the kitchen, they had to shower a few more times.

~#~

Martha had allowed herself a good old-fashioned lie-in, the Doctor having taken Jack to a special room to warm up the night before. She had relied on the TARDIS or the Doctor to call on her if needed. Since she'd been allowed to sleep, obviously she'd not been needed, and only hoped the Doctor had gotten some rest.

When Martha had showered and dressed she exited her room and found herself directly across from Jack's room. She wondered how he was doing, preparing to knock on the door. Then she heard the Doctor's voice moan, "Oh, Rassilon, Jack!", heard his voice sounding a certain way, and figured both the Doctor and Jack were doing quite well. Covering her mouth to prevent any sound from escaping, Martha made it to the kitchen before collapsing into helpless giggles. 

It was a while before the Doctor and Jack were lured to the kitchen for lunch. Jack gave her a flirtatious little wink, leading Martha to blush. "Not a word, Martha!" the Doctor warned her.

"Who, me?" Martha replied, trying to keep a straight face as she removed the kettle. "I won't say a word." 

The Doctor glanced over to Jack, who he felt must have made some indication of what they'd been doing, and Jack merely shrugged. "So, what do you need to do with him today?" he asked.

"General exam and bloodwork," Martha answered. "He's technically still in recovery from Hypothermia, so I have to make sure everything is running well. How are you feeling, Jack?"

"Hungry," Jack replied, stuffing his mouth with a bite of pizza. "And warm."

Martha poured her water for her tea. "I will meet you in the MediBay when you're ready," she announced and left the kitchen.

The Doctor poured hot water for his tea and waited for Martha to get out of earshot. "How are you, Jack?" he asked gently, "About everything?"

Jack walked over and caressed the Doctor's back. "I feel as good as I think I should feel about this," he answered. "But now that I've found you, I don't want to lose you."

"Lose me? Why?"

"Well, for one thing, there is that voice in my head warning me you will find something inside that makes you get as far away from me as you can," Jack replied. "Then there is a part of me who understands your need to roam the universe. To keep you with me wouldn't work. You'd be tied down, a prisoner, just like the Master had you, and I don't want that. And, there is my commitment on Earth."

"You mean Torchwood."

Jack nodded. "I didn't even leave a note for them, you know? I just heard the TARDIS and came running. This past year I kept thinking about them. I grieved for Toshiko being slaughtered in Japan, and Owen back in England, and Gwen and Ianto in Wales, all slaves. I recruited them. And if I never returned they'd be absorbed into the system and eventually the old Torchwood could return. I don't want that, neither do you."

The Doctor grinned; the old Jack Harkness, the one he first met and traveled with and loved, would never speak this way. Jack had always been a rogue, a type to love and enjoy and leave, a true Hedonist even by 51st Century definition. But then again Jack had been on Earth for so long he'd developed a responsibility to others there, enough to where he'd married and had children and grandchildren. And, if he really reflected on it, Jack had made a commitment to the Time Agency and would have willingly given his life to them; the Time Agency had been the ones to back out of that arrangement. The Doctor draped his arms over Jack's shoulders. "Believe it or not, I do have answers for all these issues," he said, the light dancing in his eyes. "The first...I think at this point I might know you better than you know yourself. If I haven't completely rejected you by now, it would have to be something really big to make me do so. Second...I am a Time Lord, with a functional, quite healthy TARDIS. I can still come and go across the universe and yet come back to you before you've had a chance to miss me. And we can be together for as long as it takes to get you healthy--and Martha too--and can have you home before you left. As for the third...you do need to be among humans, Jack. Torchwood does need you, _Earth_ needs you. So much can go wrong without you there. And I want to be able to come there to find the world is safe with you." He gave Jack a kiss that Jack returned. "I have to check on the TARDIS. And you have to check in with Martha. Be good?"

"I am good, until I'm bad," Jack answered with a smirk. "That's the way you like me." Jack headed for the MediBay.

"Yes I do," the Doctor agreed, smiling. "Yes I do."


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A near crisis, and a first indication of someone else.

The sessions with the Doctor and Jack resumed the next day, the Doctor wandering around in Jack's recent memories and helping him to put them in a place where he could see them but not affect him adversely. As usual Martha stood by in case something happened and she was needed. As the days went on she started to wonder why she really was needed, if maybe the Doctor had been exaggerating.

One day, Martha found out.

She sat next to the bed in the MediBay, giving a cursory look at the monitor, when Jack suddenly screamed _**DOCTOR, RUN!!**_ The monitor went insane. Blood pressure and pulse went off the scale. Jack appeared to be in a struggle of some kind. He awoke first, panting, something Martha's brain told her had never happened before; Jack's blue eyes had gone wide and unnaturally bright with terror. "Martha, wake him up!! " Jack cried out desperately. "Damn it, Martha _**WAKE HIM UP!!!**_ "

Martha reached over and grabbed the Doctor hard. "Wake up, Doctor!!" she screamed as she violently shook him. He didn't wake; the monitor was giving critical readiings. She gathered all her strength and slapped him across the face several times, until his cheeks flared bright red and she was sure she left bruises. But he still didn't wake.

Then came the most dreaded sound: a flatline. " _MOVE, JACK!!_ " Martha ordered, shoving him aside. Martha started CPR, alternating pumping on either side of his chest. Jack was rooted to the spot, hoping Martha could revive him. There was something he could do, but it could only work if the person was just clinging to life, not dead. Plus, he'd never tried it on a Time Lord before, so he couldn't know if it would help. But he had to try.

"Come on," Jack muttered, encouraging both the Doctor and Martha. "You can't go." She had to get his hearts restarted, otherwise the Doctor wouldn't even get a chance to regenerate. "You _can't_ go!" Jack shouted.

Then...heartbeats. Martha looked at the monitor. More heartbeats. "Martha, move!!" Jack shouted. He raced over to the Doctor and kissed him. Hard.

"Jack! What--" Martha spluttered, horrified Jack would even think of such an act, then saw the glow between their bodies, a warm, golden light washing over both of them. It was emanating from Jack and entering the Doctor, radiating out of both. Jack broke the kiss, panting for breath. "Jack..." Martha stammered , "what in the hell did you just do?"

The Doctor stirred and opened his eyes, stating up at Martha and Jack. "Captain..." He tried to get up.

"No, you stay there," Martha pushed him back down. "What happened to you?"

"A shared memory," the Doctor answered, taking a moment. "A creature we've both encountered but I wasn't prepared to handle." He sighed. "I'm sorry, Jack. I never knew."

"On Earth it's referred to as Abaddon the Great Devourer," Jack explained, shaking all over from a combination of fear and unleashed tension. "It was brought through the Rift to destroy all life. I overfed the thing. I stopped it, but it removed almost all of my lifeforce. I was dead for days. Literally."

"I encountered it on a distant planet," the Doctor continued, "chained in the center of a planet orbiting a black hole." The Doctor paused. "The Master threatened you with that?" Jack frowned. "What in the name of Rassilon was he thinking, believing he could control _that_?"

"I was allowing the Doctor to see that memory," Jack explained. "Because the Doctor has his own, equally powerful memory of it, the creature took shape and attacked."

"It's a hazard Time Lords face when we do this, but fairly rare," the Doctor stated. "That's one reason I've had you sitting here, Martha. You needed to wake me up, and you did. Thank you." He felt his jaw. "Though...remind me to never get you angry enough to hit me."

"It was a close call," Martha responded. "We almost lost you. I had to perform CPR to revive you. Then Jack, he...what did you _do_ , Jack?"

Jack shrugged. "I...I shared some of my lifeforce with him," he announced. "I can do that sometimes, but it can take a tremendous effort. If it works I can pull someone back from the brink of death, temporarily. In your case, I prevented the need to regenerate."

The Doctor shook his head. "You didn't, Jack," he replied. "In this case I wouldn't have faced regeneration. Time Lords who cannot awaken from these sessions can actually die. Both of you, you actually saved my life."

"Then, I have to say I have reservations about continuing with this," Martha stated. "This was a big risk. I've never seen a regeneration and I don't want to see one, but at least it's better than your death."

"I have to agree," Jack added. "As much as I have been helped, sweethearts, we can't take the chance of having another mutual monster crash the party. It was hard enough to save you this time."

"But this was a rare circumstance," the Doctor argued, sitting back up. "What are the odds something like that can happen again?"

"Greater than you think!" Jack snapped, then got hold of himself. "Doctor, I have been on Earth since 1869, working for Torchwood since 1899. I've seen a lot of things. And we haven't been around each other. I don't know who or what you've encountered any more than you know what I've encountered. I don't want to lose you."

"And I don't want to lose you, either," the Doctor countered. "It's why I took the risk to explore your memories. It's why I used the Vortex Manipulator to find you after you ran outside in that storm. Losing you, the Jack Harkness I know, would damage my universe. Because I have a feeling the universe will end up needing you around. Earth certainly will, even when I can't be there."

"At the very least you won't be wandering around in Jack's memories the rest of the day," Martha interjected, "not if I can help it. Doctor, you need to rest there, at least for a while. The TARDIS and I will look you over, and if you're alright you can get up."

The Doctor grimaced and began to object, but Jack quickly shushed him. "If Martha suggests you stay, you should," he warned. " I watched her wake you."

~#~

The tests the TARDIS ran in the MediBay showed no lasting damage from the encounter with Abaddon, so Martha recommended the Doctor find Jack and spend time together. Jack had not said he felt in any way responsible for what happened, but having gotten to know Jack, she figured he did. So, the Doctor packed food for a picnic and headed for his garden room, hoping to find Jack.

As soon as he entered he knew Jack was in there. The Doctor had collected a number of flowers, but he loved the scent of roses the best, and as they seemed pretty much universal, he collected a good number of them. His favorite roses could only be found on one planet, Persephone Major, in the XJ12 Galaxy. They were called Mellodions, which looked and smelled like the roses on Earth. Their secret, however, was that Mellodions only grew and bloomed in the presence of music, the more beautiful the tune the better. Jack was singing, and the Mellodions were growing dramatically.

The Doctor had always found Jack's voice exceptional, and obviously the flowers did as well. He quietly walked up to Jack sitting and singing about birds warbling among thorny blooms, of taking a rose that was stolen by false love, leaving only the thorns. And as he sang the rose bloomed in front of him, opening and filling the air around him with fragrance. As the roses grew Jack's voice sweetened, filling the Doctor's hearts with love and joy, combined with the touch of ancient mysticism. The Doctor wondered why humans had always been so sceptical about the presence of magic when they were capable of moments like this.

Jack finished singing, smiling up at the Doctor, who smiled back. "For someone who doubts his own beauty, you can make Mellodions bloom like that," he whispered softly. 

"I didn't know you had them," Jack said to him. "I was just sitting here singing to myself when the bush began showing the buds. I told Ianto, one of my recruits, about Mellodions. I don't think he believed me." He smiled, just a little sad. "You'd be surprised by him, Doc. Much more going on inside than he lets on. He reminds me of you, in a way." He shook his head, trying to clear away a dark thought. "I wonder what he endured?"

"He won't remember," the Doctor answered, sitting beside him. "It never happened for him."

Jack nodded in understanding. "Sometimes it's hard to realize," he said. "So much happened, and so few of us know it did. And just a little while ago, you risked your life to help me. You can't do that again."

"But Jack, I'm fine. If I wasn't Martha would never have allowed me to leave the MediBay. So I came looking for you." He held up the basket full of food. "I packed a lunch."

Jack couldn't help but enjoy the Doctor's positive demeanor. "You know, Alexander the Great once said an army travels on its stomach," he replied. 

"He certainly did," the Doctor agreed. "If I recall, he traveled on more than just food, too." He punctuated this point with a wink. Jack laughed.

They laid out a blanket and treated themselves to fruit, bread, and some cheese, along with a generous helping of hot tea from a thermos, enjoying the beautiful surroundings. Once both were full and satisfied, the Doctor and Jack lay back together on the blanket, staring up through the trees at the sky the TARDIS made.

"It's peaceful here," Jack sighed, his voice indicating a little sleepiness after his meal. "I almost wish I could build a cottage and stay here."

"Who says you can't?" the Doctor smiled in answer. "The TARDIS can adjust the size of the room. And I like the idea of you living in here, singing to the Mellodions."

"Your secret?" Jack glanced at him. "To be at your beck and call?"

"That hardly suits you, does it?" the Doctor mused. "To be waiting around until I need you."

"I've been doing that on Earth since 1869," Jack answered.

"Oh, turns out you've done so much more than that," the Doctor countered. "You made several lifetimes there. You defended the human race for the future, more than once. And you defended the universe long before I met you." He rolled over to look Jack in the eyes. "You are an action man, Captain, hardly a kept one. And I find that brilliant." He reached down to give Jack a slow kiss, stroking the side of his face. The Doctor pulled back to look at him, seeing the devotion in those amazing blue eyes, sensing the anticipation of what happens next. He kissed Jack again, deeply, exploring his mouth as he positioned his body on top and pressed into him.

Jack rolled over until he was on top, running his hands over the Doctor's body, working to undress him. The Doctor undressed Jack at the same time, removing the braces, then the shirts. Once naked, both took their time to make a thorough mapping of their lover's bodies. They were slow, and careful, reacting to sighs and groans, panting and whimpers of desire.

The Doctor found lube in his pocket and gave it to Jack, who carefully prepared him, his fingers consistently finding the spot to make the Doctor arch his back and writhe in arousal. Jack entered him shortly after, feeling overwhelmed with love for this man, wanting the Doctor to take him back from what the Master had done to him once and for all. 

The Doctor didn't disappoint. As they gently moved together, the Doctor's fingers reached for Jack's temple, wanting him to open his mind. Jack willingly allowed him in. Suddenly Jack felt himself surrounded by the Doctor, not just where they were joined, but everywhere, feeling invisible hands finding and caressing other parts of his body. 

_I want you, Jack_ , his mind told his lover. _You belong with me. You can be with me, wherever you are in the universe. Can you feel this, the way that I love you? Feel this, Jack, trust this. Trust us._

And Jack's mind heard.

_I can feel you, Doctor. You have me, no matter where I am. I trust you. I love you. I would die for you._

_**Live** for me, Jack._

As Jack and the Doctor remained joined, body and spirit, once again a warm, golden light surrounded and entered them. Then both were unexpectedly coming at the same time, Jack shuddering as he let out a deep moan, the Doctor underneath him arching his back and crying out in Gallifreyan. Jack withdrew from the Doctor, releasing the mental link, and rolled over to the side as they both caught their breath and waited to come back to their senses.

It was the Doctor who spoke first, looking down at himself and chuckling. "I made a bit of a mess," he said with understatement.

Jack glanced down. "So you have," he replied, nonchalant. With that he wandered down and reverently began to lick the Doctor clean. The Doctor was very sensitive down there, so the light laps of his lover were magnified and soon things were trying to stir to life again.

Jack kissed his way back to the Doctor's mouth, which he easily conquered. They wrapped their arms around each other, still wanting the close contact. "That was amazing," Jack whispered softly, caressing the side of his face.

"You shared yourself with me," the Doctor stated in wonder. "I should be amazed by you."

"I have only done that a couple of times in my life while making love," Jack admitted. "Usually it's an emergency situation. Someone is in danger of death without it."

"Then, you must have loved them a great deal," the Doctor replied.

"As I love you," Jack said, looking the Doctor directly in the eyes. They kissed deeply once again, letting it linger. "Whether you have me travel with you through the cosmos, or you leave me back on Earth, I will love you."

The Doctor looked surprised. "Why would I leave you behind on Earth?" he asked. "I just now found you again. You're my Jack." He saw the shadow of doubt cross Jack's features and sighed. "Oh, Jack...do you still think I will find some reason to abandon you again?"

Jack didn't answer right away. "Doc...I can't be who you really want to spend eternity with," he finally replied. "I have so much against me from the past, things that will only lead to trouble for you. You can't want that."

"No," the Doctor answered, "because you are so much more." He smiled gently. "I can't see what it is yet, but you have a greatness within you, Jack Harkness. You are destined for big things in your time, and someday you'll be spoken of in places that will never know of me. I don't know how, but they will. What I do know is I have you here, right now, and I want to spend the time with you and you alone." They rolled back over and this time it was the Doctor making love to Jack, moving slowly, making sure the trauma of the multiple rapes Jack endured didn't come back to haunt him. Jack wrapped his legs around the Doctor's back and brought him in deeper and once again the golden light surrounded them. 

Later, as Jack slept peacefully in his arms, the Doctor listened to the hum of the TARDIS and knew she was happy. The Doctor felt content and whole within himself. He decided Jack didn't need any more sessions on dealing with the past year. He simply needed love and time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song Jack sings is a traditional Scottish ballad called "Ye Banks and Bears O' Bonny Doon" by Robert Burns. There are several lovely versions on YouTube, but if you can find the version of John Barrowman singing it, you'll love it. It is a song his mother sang when he was a kid and the family went to Burns Suppers throughout the Midwest.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Doctor decides to help Martha and Jack starts to feel homesick.

The next morning over breakfast, the Doctor announced his intentions to start sessions with Martha to help deal with her trauma. Both Jack and Martha expressed concern, worried about the potential for problems to repeat themselves. The Doctor pointed out that Martha had not had shared memories the Doctor had unknowingly experienced himself. Plus, Jack would now be the one keeping watch, and Jack was much stronger physically than Martha; if Jack had to resort to hitting the Doctor to awaken him, he was definitely waking up.

Martha had seen how the sessions operated, and saw how much Jack had been helped by them. Martha had also been willing to accept new things and had a streak of fearlessness and defiance that impressed the Doctor from the beginning; the year apart had overcome her self-doubt, but left wounds he needed to help her heal. As a result, Martha was more open to accepting the sessions would work. For her safe place, Martha chose the beach in Barbados she'd had the TARDIS make into a room, and they started.

Like Jack, not all the sessions were easy. Martha had seen things in that horrible year, genuine atrocities neither Jack or the Doctor had seen on the _Valiant_. She had witnessed devastation, death camps, slavery, and the massacre in Japan. She had spoken to people about the Doctor, her only weapon, knowing the terror of what would happen to her if the Master found her too soon, or if the Toclafane learned how to see around the Perception Filter, or if Jack's Vortex Manipulator stopped working. The Doctor entered her mind more easily than he had with Jack (21st century humans had less evolved and complex psychic defenses) and taught her the same techniques he'd taught Jack about seeing the images without reacting to them.

In this endeavor it was Jack who sat bedside and watched the Doctor. He knew this was good for Martha, as he'd done it himself, and the Doctor was aware of the dangers, but Jack knew what his lover was doing was indeed dangerous, so he was going to watch. And having seen Martha have to awaken him, Jack knew he'd have to be ruthless in doing the same thing. Martha reacted the same way he had--there were screams, crying, trembling, and Jack would hold and comfort her. At night when she'd have nightmares, Jack and the Doctor would alternate taking care of her until she'd go back to sleep.

The two men would spend their nights together making love, holding each other close or planning for the day Martha would be well again. They would take off for the far reaches of the galaxy once more, putting as much space and time between them and Earth as possible. Right now they needed a vacation.

One day, during an off day for Martha's sessions, Jack made himself scarce after breakfast. During the meal he'd seemed lost in thought, then he just took off. The Doctor found him in their garden, singing softly to the Mellodions, and the sound was that of the heartbroken.The Mellodions grew and flourished with the beauty of what he sang. "Jack?" the Doctor asked. "What's wrong?"

"Feeling homesick, I guess," Jack sighed.

"For Boeshane?" The Doctor had offered to take Jack back to the Boeshane Peninsula for a visit, but Jack had said his memories were so terrible of what took place, namely, his father and brother, that he had no desire to return. Perhaps Jack had changed his mind.

"For Earth." The Doctor sat next to Jack and stroked his back soothingly. "I had a dream last night," Jack began. "There was someone I began sleeping with before you arrived. Dark hair, gorgeous eyes, fantastic body. Also, kind, smart, a hidden streak of dominance. Much like you."

"You mean Ianto." Jack startled. "You've been dreaming of him lately. You talk in your sleep. And you've mentioned him."

Jack nodded and continued. "I simply thought it was physical, you know? It had been awhile and he just struck my fancy. And he was willing. But now..."

"Now you've been away from him, you're starting to realize your feelings are more than that," the Doctor finished. "I think there is an Earth phrase about absence making the heart grow fonder."

Jack shook his head. "A part of me wants to go back to see if something more is there," he said. "And not just that. Torchwood is my re-creation. What Ianto and Toshiko, and Owen and Gwen are doing in Cardiff is vitally important to the human race. Ianto has made me feel human again, and now I want to take my knowledge and help them defend the Earth. But...I love you, and I don't want to leave you. And I don't want you to feel as if I've taken advantage of you."

"Jack..." The Doctor wrapped him in an embrace and kissed him. "How could I ever resist the wish of someone as courageous and selfless as you?" he answered. "51st century humans are quite capable of loving more than one at a time, I know that. If you feel the need to explore something with a fellow human, I have no problem sharing you. And you won't be leaving me, not really. In fact, you'll be continuing my work. There are times I simply cannot be there, and knowing you're there keeps it in safe hands. Your responsibility is to help the human race survive into the future, so they can go out into the stars and create new lifeforms. In the meantime, I can come and go as I need, knowing you're there." 

They sat together in silence for awhile, simply holding each other. The Doctor didn't tell Jack what he knew: that Jack would only have Ianto a very short time, short even by Jack's reckoning. He didn't know how it would happen, but knowing the dangerous duty of the members of Torchwood, he could only guess. But humans needed contact with humans to retain their best qualities, the very things he loved about them. Even if he warned Jack what was coming, he'd stay with Torchwood, he'd still choose the danger, he'd still risk the heartbreak, because that's who Jack Harkness was. 

There simply was no rejecting him.


	11. Chapter 11

"How do you like my new hat?" Martha smiled at the Doctor and Jack from underneath the rather large thing keeping the sun off her face. The hat was woven from a type of fiber, the brim about as wide as a beach parasol, yet lightweight. It looked utterly ridiculous.

"Martha, that hat is very you," Jack responded with a smile.

From underneath a real beach parasol, the Doctor nodded diplomatically. "You could start a new fashion trend with that," he said, turning his attention back to the waves.

The three of them were sitting on the beach at the resort planet of Panhaxico, enjoying the sun and surf on vacation. The Doctor had promised once he'd finished his sessions with Martha, all three would be due a break, and he'd delivered. All of them had gone through hell to get back to this point; they needed the break before resuming their normal lives.

"Whose turn to grab drinks?" Jack asked lazily, wanting to keep soaking up the rays from his current position.

"Mine," Martha announced. "Back shortly."

"Good for you," the Doctor called after her, then muttered, "then you can show off that monstrosity of a hat." Overhearing the statement, Jack let loose with a wild laugh. The Doctor couldn't help but smile; it had been so long since he'd heard his lover give a completely unfettered laugh like this. There had been brief moments when he'd wondered if he'd ever hear it the same way again. What Jack had needed to help get it back was time and love, lots of love. Now he was going back to Earth, where the Doctor believed love was waiting for him.

The Doctor rolled over, moving closer to Jack, and ran his hand up and down Jack's torso. The days had been for the three of them to remember fun and light after so much pain and darkness, and all three had suffered so much; Jack and Martha could learn to live with things, but would never really be free of it. Humans were simultaneously resilient and fragile, a dichotomy that made them special in the Doctor's eyes, and they needed to be looked after. Nights had belonged to the Doctor and Jack alone. They explored their erotic and romantic boundaries during those hours, finding new pleasures to share only among themselves. Just as important, they would spend time simply being together, like they had in the garden room. They were intergalactic friends as much as lovers, needing to set aside some of the previous anger from the past.

"You are thinking entirely too loudly," Jack announced in a light drowse. 

The Doctor grinned and squeezed Jack's hand. "Time Lord brain," he answered. "It's always working on something."

Jack turned on his side to face him. "It looks an awful lot like brooding," Jack observed, affectionately tracing his thumb along the Doctor's lips. "What's on your mind, sweethearts?"

the Doctor lay against Jack and placed his head on the immortal's chest. The strong, singular heartbeat never failed to comfort him. "Our last night here," he said to Jack. "I have to take you and Martha back to Earth."

"Isn't she going to stay with you?"

"Her family is there. They suffered like we did, but Martha doesn't have the ability to do what I did to help. She hasn't told me yet, but I think she'll stay. But you'll be there, too. The two of you can catch up."

"The End of the World Club," Jack smiled. "Pretty exclusive membership. But you'll be alone out here. I will stay with you."

" Jack--"

"No," Jack gently argued. "I was comfortable returning based on the idea Martha would be with you. You need the friendship, and sometimes the other voice willing to argue with you, if necessary to stop you from doing something monumentally stupid. You won't have that if we both leave."

The Doctor sighed then looked up to Jack's face. "Do you remember what you told me not long ago in the garden room?" he asked tenderly. "You said you loved me, whether you were on Earth or with me. Well, I'm that way about you myself. And if you're on Earth, running Torchwood, you'll be there for me. You have your responsibility to defending Earth as much as Martha has toward her family. And like her, you have people there who matter to you, and you'll find you matter to them. So, go back to them, Jack. Go find Ianto and be with him. It changes nothing about us."

"Doctor--"

"It changes nothing about us," the Doctor insisted. To illustrate his point he reached up and kissed Jack soundly. Jack wrapped his arms around the Doctor and they got lost in each other for awhile, until they heard a soft giggle from Martha. They grabbed their drinks and shared the rest of the afternoon together.

~#~

The last night, Martha left them alone as she had every night. They'd had a bungalow, and tonight the main bedroom was filled with soft, warm light and the sound of the ocean. The Doctor took Jack's hand and led him to the bed. They slowly kissed as they undressed each other, their hands caressing, roaming, exploring. Once again the Doctor's fingers found Jack's temples and waited for entry. Once again Jack consented.

_Wherever we go, whoever we're with, we're together. Promise me?_

_I promise, Jack._

_Feel this, feel this between us. We share this with each other. No matter if we find another and love them, we will only share this with each other. Promise me?_

_I promise. But we will be together again._

_We will. I love you._

_I love you. I would die for you._

_**Live** for me, Doctor. Live for me._

The Doctor feathered light kisses along Jack's collarbone, down his chest, lingering at his nipples, down his stomach. Jack reciprocated, preparing the Doctor with lube-slicked fingers. The Doctor's body trembled with desire and need, watching Jack's eyes grow darker with desire and yet become more vivid, almost ablaze, the ocean set on fire.

Jack carefully entered the Doctor and paused, gathering himself. The Doctor took the opportunity to flip them over so Jack was now underneath him. He placed Jack's hands on his hips to help him move, Jack lifting up his knees to give support. The Doctor moved slowly, wanting to prolong the pleasure they both felt. Jack writhed beneath him and closed his eyes, unable to look at the beauty of his Time Lord in the throes of passion.

The Doctor leaned down to kiss him, then brought him up to a sitting position. He wanted Jack close to him, to see the emotion in front of him. His mind became full of what Jack was giving him: adoration, want, sadness, wonder, love. All of it blended together, became nearly overwhelming. And the Doctor radiated the same back to Jack. Once again the golden light surrounded them, full of warmth and comfort and love between the two.

Jack continued to thrust, but the sensation was beginning to get the best of him. He laid his head on the Doctor's shoulder, occasionally placing his teeth there and lightly biting without pressure. He whimpered, desperate for release.

Look at me, Jack. Come for me. Come on, I got you.

Jack's orgasm hit him hard, giving out a strangled cry. The Doctor felt the rush of heat inside as Jack buried his face into the side of the Doctor's neck, holding him close. Through the aftermath the Doctor kept whispering tender words, sometimes in English, sometimes in Gallifreyan. They kissed deeply once again, not wanting to break contact, then the Doctor pushed Jack down and prepared him before entering him. Jack stared up in wonder at his lover, realizing the Doctor had been denying himself all this time; he'd wanted it to be about Jack and Jack alone. But Jack wrapped his legs around the Doctor's waist and urged him to continue.

For a time the Doctor forgot himself as he thrust into Jack, feeling the tightness and the squeeze as Jack's internal muscles continued to ripple post-orgasm. Soon Jack reached up and caressed the Doctor's face, refocusing him. 

You need to let go, sweethearts.

I don't want to. To let go is to let you go, and I want us to stay this way.

It's okay. I'm going to be okay now. I've got you. Let go.

And the Doctor did, filling Jack up with his cool seed deep inside him. The Doctor's body shook as he threw his head back in ecstasy. Jack brought him back down to kiss him deeply, intertwining their bodies. They rolled to the side together, enjoying the feel of one another. Both were silent for some time, but their minds were still connected.

I love you, Doctor.

I love you, too, Jack. I hate the idea of leaving you on Earth. I want you to come with me, be my companion. We could explore together. But I know you're needed there, even more than I need you. 

They made love to each other long into the night, wanting to memorize everything. By the time they fell asleep in each other's arms, they had memorized enough for Jack's enhanced memory to sustain him for a long time to come.

~#~

As the TARDIS zoomed through the Time Vortex on the way back to Earth, the Doctor was quiet and thoughtful. He knew once Martha saw her family that would be it, she would stay. He had not treated her well at first, still missing Rose and needing to mourn the loss of that relationship. But time and again she'd proven herself worthy of his respect. The Year that Never Was finally allowed Martha to prove it to herself. As much as he realized she was now the match of him, equalling any of his best companions, her family needed her to help them. But the Doctor needed to reward her in some way, a simple thank-you could never be enough gratitude. So when they returned to Earth the Doctor was going to put in a good word to those who needed her tough resourcefulness and intelligence. UNIT could have good use for someone with medical training. They would make sure she completed her studies. And she'd look adorable wearing the red beret.

Jack pressed a kiss to the Doctor's temple and pulled him close from behind; the Doctor contentedly leaned into the embrace. As wild and full a life as Jack had already, the Doctor knew he'd barely scratched the surface of what would happen, and for his partner to achieve the greatness the Doctor suspected was in store, Jack was going to have to be where he was needed most. Earth. Torchwood. As selfish as the Doctor wanted to be right now, he knew the 21st century had barely begun. Humans were just beginning to conceive of the idea other beings existed. As the century continued and they began to take those first tentative steps forward, they'd need a guide, someone who could get them through the rough early beginning, to defend them from those who would take advantage of their inexperience. That was a man from over 30 centuries in the future, a man who'd been there and done that, who'd navigated the waters and, while he couldn't see all the rocks, knew the rocks were there. And the Jack who was coming back to help them was better than ever.

For his part, Jack knew what he was returning to was primative. Humans were unpredictable, savage compared to other beings, sometimes harsh and brutal and just as capable of destroying themselves before they got the chance to see the splendor out here. He loved his adopted home all the more for it. And he loved the one he wanted to look after it for, the Time Lord in his arms, flying around the universe in his TARDIS. It had been nearly a year since he last saw Earth, a year before that since he'd walked upon it. But he was going back a changed man. He had left broken and wounded, wanting to be marooned on a deserted planet out of shame and guilt and violation. The Doctor had tended him, healed his wounds, awoken him from the nightmare that threatened to never end. Now he was going home, with Time being what it was only a couple of months since he'd last left, clinging to the side of the TARDIS. Hopefully to a young Welshman who still wanted him. And the Time Lord who would never forget he was there, a defender of the Human Race.

It was all going to change. And Jack was ready.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the eagle-eyed: Panhaxico II is mentioned in Voyage of the Damned, which takes place right after the events in The Year that Never Was.
> 
> Music reference: I made a mention of Jack's eyes being like the ocean set on fire. There is a song by Tim Finn called "Hyacinth" with the poetic line, "Ocean eyes in the highest blaze". Glad I found a place for it.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has read this or given kudos on it. Comments are always appreciated.


End file.
